The Neighbors Are Zombies 3

SCENE B

INT. THE ZOMBIE HOUSEHOLD - DAY
(MARY, EDGAR, ANNE, H.P., BABY)

MARY WALKS INTO HER HOUSE, WHICH IS SPOOKY AND DANK, LIKE AN OLD HAUNTED HOUSE. THE AIR AND THE MUSIC IS SUDDENLY VERY CREEPY AS SHE SLOWLY UNWRAPS THE OBJECT SHE TOOK FROM JESSE. OF COURSE, IT IS ONLY A VASE, JUST LIKE SHE SAID. SHE PUTS IT ON A PEDESTAL

ANNE'S VOICE
(O.S.)

Mary! Breakfast!

MARY

Coming, mom!

MARY ENTERS THE KITCHEN. THE DINING ROOM IS ADJOINING, AND HER FATHER, EDGAR, IS SITTING AT THE KITCHEN TABLE WITH A NEWSPAPER BLOCKING HIS FACE. BEFORE HIM IS A MUG OF WHAT COULD BE COFFEE, BUT IS IN FACT BLOOD. HER MOTHER, ANNE, IS LEANING OVER THE COUNTER, CUTTING SOMETHING WITH A BUTCHER KNIFE. SUDDENLY, ANNE REARS UP TO HER FULL HEIGHT, AND WITH THE BUTCHER KNIFE IN ONE HAND AND A HUMAN BRAIN IN THE OTHER, REVEALS IN ALL HER HIDEOUS GLORY THAT SHE IS A DESSICATED ZOMBIE.

MARY
(shrieking)

Mom!

ANNE LOOKS AT HER DAUGHTER QUIZZICALLY.

ANNE

What?

MARY

That blouse does NOT match those pants.

ANNE FROWNS.

ANNE

Oh, says the fashion police. When I was sixteen I thought I knew more than my mother, too.

MARY

Just because you're old, doesn't mean you have to dress like you're old.

ANNE PUTS HER HANDS ON HER HIPS AND IS ABOUT TO PUT MARY BACK IN HER PLACE. EDGAR PUTS DOWN HIS NEWSPAPER AND REVEALS THAT HE, TOO, IS A LOVABLE ROTTING CORPSE.

EDGAR

All right, all right. Can this discussion wait until after breakfast? What are we having, anyway?

ANNE

Eggs and brains.

EDGAR
(with disgust)

Aww, eggs?

ANNE

Edgar! You have to start eating like a human being.

ED GRUMBLES UNDER HIS BREATH.

MARY

Mom, Dad, I have a special favor to ask.

THE PARENTS PERK UP. THIS IS UNUSUAL.

ANNE

Well, what is it, sweetie?

MARY

Well, while I was outside I met the boy next door...

ANNE

Is he alive?

MARY

Well, of course he is, mom.

EDGAR

Absolutely not! I'll not have you kids dating the living. If you want to see this boy, you make sure to kill him first.

MARY

Dad, I don't want to date him! It's just that he invited us to a barbecue tomorrow. All of us. During the day.

EDGAR
(with distaste)

During the day?

MARY

I'm sure you'll all be fine if we wear sunglasses and SPF 50. It's just...I really want to fit in here.

EDGAR SIGHS.

ANNE

Well, of course we'll go, sweetie. All of us. And we'll try not to embarrass you. Right, Edgar?

EDGAR GRUMBLES. MARY KISSES HER FATHER ON HIS CHEEK, AND OF COURSE A LITTLE BIT OF GOO COMES AWAY ON HER LIPS. THEN SHE RUNS UP AND HUGS HER MOTHER.

MARY

Thank you, Dad! Thank you, Mom!

ANNE

Of course, dear! Now where's your brother? His brains are getting rubbery. (yelling) H.P.!

SUDDENLY, H.P. RUNS INTO THE ROOM DRESSED LIKE A SPACEMAN AND BRANDISHING A SQUIRT GUN. HE, TOO, IS A ZOMBIE, BUT BEING YOUNGER LOOKS LIKE A LESS AGED CORPSE. HE LICKS HIS LIPS AND POINTS HIS GUN AT MARY.

MARY

Don't you dare, you little freak!

H.P.

Space Command, this is Cadet Zombie! We have detected a giant ugly space monster and it looks like...a living human girl! Open fire!

H.P. SQUIRTS HIS SISTER WITH WATER. SHE ROARS AND LEAPS AT HIM.

MARY

I'm going to break your neck, you little freak!

THEY TUSSLE ON THE GROUND.

ANNE

Stop it, you two!

THEY BOTH STAND UP. H.P.'S HEAD HAS BEEN TWISTED ALL THE WAY AROUND, LIKE THE GIRL IN THE EXORCIST, AND HE IS HOLDING MARY'S RIGHT ARM, WHICH HE TORE OFF.

H.P.

Mom! Mary broke my neck!

MARY

He tore my arm off!

ANNE

Enough! I'm tired of you two fighting like hyenas every time you're in the same room together. Now, H.P. give your sister her arm back.

RELUCTANTLY, H.P. HANDS MARY HER ARM, WHICH SHE ANGRILY SWIPES OUT OF HIS GRASP AND STICKS BACK ON HER SHOULDER.

H.P.

Aren't you going to make her turn my head back the right way?

MARY

Turn it back yourself, dork.

H.P. PAINFULLY TURNS HIS HEAD ALL THE WAY BACK AROUND. HE SITS DOWN.

H.P.
(under his breath)

You think you're better than the rest of us just because you look like you're alive.

MARY STANDS UP. SHE IS OBVIOUSLY HURT BY H.P.'S REMARK.

MARY

I'm going to go feed the baby.

SHE LEAVES. BOTH OF HIS PARENTS STARE AT H.P. ANGRILY. HE SLOUCHES DOWN IN HIS CHAIR AND CONTINUES TO EAT HIS BRAINS. ANNE STANDS UP AND STARTS TO CLEAR THE DISHES, LEAVING EDGAR AND H.P. ALONE.

EDGAR

I think you'd better go apologize to her, son.

H.P.

Why should I?

EDGAR

Because it's the right thing to do. You hurt her feelings.

H.P.

But, Dad...

EDGAR

No buts, son. I won't make you do anything.

EDGAR STANDS UP.

EDGAR

I have to go to work. But you know what's right.

EDGAR FINISHES HIS MUG OF BLOOD AND WALKS OFF. ANGRILY, H.P. GOES UPSTAIRS TO THE BABY'S ROOM. MARY IS HOLDING THE BABY IN HER ARMS AND IS FEEDING IT A BOTTLE OF WHAT IS CLEARLY BRAINS. THE BABY IS INCREDIBLY CUTE, DESPITE BEING A ZOMBIE. H.P. SLOWLY OPENS THE DOOR. HE IS OBVIOUSLY SORRY, AND IT COMES OUT IN HIS VOICE, BUT HE REFUSES TO SAY THE ACTUAL WORDS.

H.P.

You suck.

MARY

I know.

H.P.

You're not getting an apology from me. Mom and Dad can make me apologize but they can't make me mean it.

MARY

I know.

H.P.

Did I really hurt your feelings?

MARY PUTS THE BABY OVER HER SHOULDER AND STARTS TO BURP IT, BUT SHE MAKES NO RESPONSE TO H.P.

H.P.

I'll see you.

H.P. CLOSES THE DOOR.