Twilight: Morning Wood

***Did we get a consensus on the Kant? Hits are back up, but I feel kind of cheap passing off schoolwork as art. Oh, well. I guess I'll decide on Monday. In the meantime, in "honor" of the biggest midnight opening in history (or something) I went to some trouble to contact a certain Ms. Stephanie Meyer so she could help me with this blog post. To quote Ms. Meyer, "Sure, Redleg, I'll help you out with your blog. You're so handsome and smart and much more talented than me." Ms. Meyer was nice enough to send me a rather lengthy excerpt from the upcoming Twilight: Morning Wood. It actually goes on. For a while. Like this. So I cut it for brevity's sake. Enjoy.***

"Oh, Edward," Bella said lustingly, "I want you in me so badly. I mean your love. In my love. And yet we never can be."

"True," Edward replied, ripping his shirt open to reveal his sparkling, manly areola, "How ironic."

"Ironic, indeed," Bella replied, referring to her own situation, "And yet, in a way, your 106 year old love for me consitutes statutory rape in any civilized country."

"Civilization," Taylor Lautner said with a snarl, "Who needs it?"

"Indeed," Edward agreed with his rival-cum-wolf and his fleshy lover, "What irony."

"I don't need civilization," Taylor Lautner continued, rubbing creamy brown muscle oil onto his well-oiled musculature, "All I need is the wind at my back, some Pacific Northwest scenery, and a 16-year old child to kidnap and attempt what amounts to bestiality with. I mean, love. Pure, chaste love."

"I, too, was referring to love," Edward was quick to pipe in, as he stared endlessly at Bella's perfect neck, because he loved her, and not because of any desire to actually do anything about the aforementioned love.

"Love," mentioned Bella.

There was nodding all around.

***

It was a dark and stormy night when Taylor Lautner took his shirt off. His shirt had been off since he had been in wolf form right up until the very moment when he turned back into a human with just his tight jeans and shirtless. And then, since it was raining out, he was also glistening with rain. And also sweat. Because he sweated through the rain because of his fur.

"Bella," Taylor Lautner said, "I need you to rub me down with this anti-vampire lotion. I need it to, uh, ward off vampires."

Bella turned to look at Edward for guidance. (Edward, incidentally, was also shirtless, and applying his anti-werewolf lotion.)

"I'm so tormented," Edward said, "Dark and tormented. But I will always do what is best for you, Bella, because of my insatiable (yet chaste) lust for you. Do it, if you must. Taylor Lautner must have his anti-vampire lotion rubbed all over his manly, steaming body."

And so Bella began to rub down Taylor Lautner with the glistening body oil, in full view of her actual boyfriend, which was kind of creepy and voyeuristic when you think about it, which they didn't.