The 2013 Hundie Challenge #100: A Dance to the Music of Time

The 2013 Hundie Challenge #99: Women in Love

The 2013 Hundie Challenge #98: The Golden Bowl

The 2013 Hundie Challenge #97: The Way of All Flesh

Duck hunting: incompatible with a Biblical lifestyle

I will allow you, my beloved readers, to draw your own conclusions:

"Of all the creatures living in the water of the seas and the streams you may eat any that have fins and scales. But all creatures in the seas or streams that do not have fins and scales—whether among all the swarming things or among all the other living creatures in the water—you are to regard as unclean. And since you are to regard them as unclean, you must not eat their meat; you must regard their carcasses as unclean. Anything living in the water that does not have fins and scales is to be regarded as unclean by you." - Leviticus 11:9-12

The 2013 Hundie Challenge #96: The Alexandria Quartet

The 2013 Hundie Challenge #95: The Age of Innocence

I BEAT STEPHEN KING!!!

So, earlier this year I met one of my favorite writers, winner of the Bram Stoker Award and author of THE RISING, Brian Keene.  I wrote a guest blog about it on Fang-tastic Books, so you can read the whole tale there, but long story short I gave Keene a signed copy of BRAINEATER JONES and he promised to read it.

I won't lie: I assumed it was an empty promise.  I mean, this is a big-time horror author.  I imagine people walk up to Sir Mix-a-Lot all the time trying to hand him copies of their demo tapes, too.  (I apologize if that reference is dated.  My knowledge of popular music ends in 1992.)  I just appreciated that Keene said he'd read it to placate me, much like I assume those randos who get a "Yeah, definitely!" from Mix don't keep watching as he tosses their tape into the next public phone booth.

Kind of got off topic there for a second.  Anyway, I went on Goodreads today and saw that Keene had, in fact, rated BRAINEATER JONES with 4 stars!  A solid review from anyone, but coming from a horror legend (and the guy who inspired me to start writing zombfic), you know, it means more.

So for a couple hours today I was elated.  Then I saw Keene's website and I realized there was a reason why he had waited until today to rate BJ, when presumably he had finished it a few months ago.

BRAINEATER JONES IS #12 ON BRIAN KEENE'S TOP BOOKS OF 2013!!!

Let me repeat that in somewhat clipped English just so that it sinks in:

Brian Keene...BRAINEATER JONES...#12 in the universe this year?

If it's tl for you to not dr, then just read #7 where I am mentioned, and then skip down to #12 where I FUCKING BEAT STEPHEN KING'S DOCTOR SLEEP.  What's that all about?  I mean, I heard it was disappointing, but...wow.  Just, wow. 

Anyway, as Keene noted in his intro, he read 151 books this year, and he knows most of the people in the horror publishing industry...so it's not like this is just fuckin' around talk here.  Anyway, I'm floating on cloud 9.  If I was ever waiting for street cred, I think this pretty much cements it.  Thanks for all your support, everybody!

The 2013 Hundie Challenge #94: The Ambassadors

Top 3 Reasons I Love Zombies! (Guest Post by Melissa MacVicar, author of EVER NEAR)

Well, burnmaniacs (?) unless you've been living in a hole for the past six weeks, you know that I've been engaged in an epic review rumble with the dastardly Melissa MacVicar, author of the amazing YA paranormal romance EVER NEAR.

Of course, unless you've also had your head up that hole you were living in, you know that this was a good-natured, low stakes wager between two friends.  Our main goal was to attempt to drive Amazon reviews for our respective books in a fun and honest way.  Our secondary goal was to point out to our friends and fans how important Amazon reviews are to fledgling authors, so I recommend that even though the Review Rumble proper is over, you still go buy and review both my and Melissa's books.  (20 words, that's all it takes!)

And now for the long-awaited results of the Upset on the Internet:

THE GOOD NEWS:  We both passed the magical double-digit mark in Amazon reviews over the course of this competition, meaning that whole new vistas of advertising are open to us!

THE BAD NEWS:  In every wager, even a friendly one, someone must lose.  And I am in no sense sorry to report:

MELISSA LOST!!!

And as per our agreement, I will now turn the blog over to Melissa to tell you:

Why Zombies are Amazing! (also known as what you have to write when you lose a bet)

1. Zombies are brainless…and they aren’t sorry about it!

Some people who are in fact brainless think they have a brain. They think they are smart and funny and cool, (think Kayne West and Honey Boo Boo’s mom ) when really they are just stupid as heck! But zombies savor their brainlessness. They are stupid and damn proud of it. How many humans do you know who can say that?

2. Zombies aren’t hung up on looks.

Unlike everyone else in the world, zombies don’t care about appearances. You won’t find a "Sexiest Zombie Alive" issue from People magazine (despite the fact they are in fact sexy as heck.) Instead, zombies are satisfied with their flaky skin, horrid teeth, and blacked-out eyes. Zombies are the kings and queens of self-acceptance from whom we may all learn a bit about our own personal issues with self-love.

3. Zombies know what they want.

Unlike many of us, zombies have a singular purpose. They don’t have to worry about multi-tasking, juggling family and work time, or fitting in some cardio. No no no. Zombies just want to find human prey. They just need to hone in on the right, unsuspecting human on which to feed. Day after day after day. Their one-track minds are enviable. I’m sure you would agree.

So that, my friends, is why zombie literature (yes, I said "literature") is more amazing than any other genre known to man (or zombie).  Better than any obscure Irish lyricist. Better than hermit-like female poets from Massachusetts. And even better than BDSM writers from London who make millions off Twilight Fan Fiction. Yes, folks, you heard it here first. Zombies are indeed the best.

About the Author: 

Melissa MacVicar lives with her husband and two children on Nantucket Island. She loves classic rock, watching football, and reading anything romantic and suspenseful. She survived prep school, and was brave enough to attend her college reunion.

When she turned forty, Melissa decided to renew her adolescent passion for fiction writing. Having once thought publishing a novel to be an impossible dream, she’s proud to be achieving her lifelong goal. In addition to writing, she’s a full-time teacher, an avid runner, and a somewhat reluctant tri-athlete.

Summary of EVER NEAR:

Love is ever near. But trouble is never far.

Nantucket Island is haunted, but only sixteen-year-old Jade Irving knows it. Ignoring the disturbing spirits isn’t an option, because one dwells in the enormous historic home she shares with her newly blended family. Jade is finding it more and more difficult to explain away Lacey’s ghostly, anguished tantrums, especially with Charlie, her gorgeous, almost step-brother, living right across the hall.

When a power-hungry ghost hunter tracks down Jade and blackmails her, Jade’s secret teeters on the edge of exposure, and her entire future hangs in the balance. If anyone finds out Jade can talk to ghosts, her life will be forever changed.

Can she save herself, free Lacey, and hang on to her tenuous connection with Charlie? Or will everything she ever wanted slip through her fingers?

***

Be sure to purchase EVER NEAR at:

Amazon
Barnes & Noble
Kobo
iBookstore

And don't forget to review it and tell your friends about it on:

Goodreads

The 2013 Hundie Challenge #93: From Here to Eternity

The 2013 Hundie Challenge #92: The House of Mirth

The 2013 Hundie Challenge #91: The Sun Also Rises

The 2013 Hundie Challenge #90: Midnight's Children

Allow my to step on my soapbox (aka blog) about NaNo this year...

So, you've probably noticed I haven't been talking much about my NaNo novel this year.  I usually don't, if you've followed this blog, because I'm usually so burnt out by doing it that I don't even want to think about it.  This year I was burnt out by NaNo, yes, but much more so by lumping NaNo in on top of the Hundie Challenge, in on top of publishing two books, in on top of...

Etc. Etc.

Anyway.  Did I win?  Yes. 

I always post my stats so you can get an idea of what my erratic behavior is like in the month of November.  So, here's that:

KINGDOM, of course, is far from complete, and if you've followed me here for some time you may remember the year I wrote ONCE UPON A TIME IN THE KINGDOM for Script Frenzy (RIP) and you'll know that it is an epic.  KINGDOM will be an epic if I ever finish it, and converting it to the steampunkesque milieu I have in mind may be an even more titanic feat, but, I think, will save it from being humdrum and banal.  (And I am nothing if not against being humdrum and banal.)

Anyway, there's another reason I kind of waited to talk about NaNo.  And that's because I've noticed, just this year, apparently, that people are kind of being dickish about it.  Let's be frank: I don't really need to do NaNo, I don't really get a whole lot out of it anymore, I've proven to the world (five times in a row now) that I can buckle down and churn out 50,000 words in a month.  Really the reason I do it anymore is to be part of the writing community and to maintain my street cred.  (Because, yes, if you're an author, everyone will ask you if you're doing NaNo this year.)

Which raises the point of community.  NaNo is supposed to be about cheering on people who aren't really writers or who are still just novices and encouraging them to finish their damn books.  But for some reason (and it may just be me, and I may just have a totally skewed perspective) I feel like this year it has all been about people trying to prove they can outdo each other.  Look at me.  I got to 50,000 and set it aside because I had other shit to do.  But I see half the writers in my social media going on and on about how they've hit a quarter of a million words and ha ha ha and the other half weeping and feeling excluded by the first half.

Let's be real here.  If you're writing these ridiculous amounts you're either cheating or you don't have a day job.  And good for you, I wish I didn't have a day job, either, and could write all day every day.  And if you're cheating, who the fuck are cheating for?  What are you trying to prove?  The people that NaNo is really geared towards are the harried, sad, unconfident people.  Let's try not to wreck up their confidence any worse, shall we?

Anyway, it may just be my burnout talking here or I may just be castigating people needlessly, but I did not enjoy the community this year, so I apologize for not being a good member of it.  But if I'm totally wrong feel free to call me an asshole in the comments.  Back to the Hundie Challenge tomorrow.

The 2013 Hundie Challenge #89: Point Counter Point

Fussy Librarian

So, I don't normally do this but I thought today I'd highlight a website that I think is useful to writers and readers alike.  The Fussy Librarian is a new website that offers personalized ebook recommendations based on your choice of genre (i.e. "zombie horror" or "I'm a lame-o") and preferences (i.e. "graphic zombie sex" or only "implied zombie canoodling.")  And they only accept widely reviewed, well reviewed books.  And they obviously have good taste - BRAINEATER JONES will be featured on Wednesday.  So authors, check it out to get your books out there and readers, check it out so you don't have to wade through all the proverbial book slush out there.

You're welcome.

The 2013 Hundie Challenge #88: Under the Volcano

The 2013 Hundie Challenge #87: The Rainbow

Ever, Jane and EVER NEAR

Oh, hi!   If you've been following my blog tour, or just generally my life at all, you've probably noticed me mention an author named Elizabeth Corrigan more than once or twice.   Elizabeth turned me on to my first publisher, Red Adept.  She's also the author of ORACLE OF PHILADELPHIA, which features the amazing character chaos demon Bedlam.

After an insane contribution to the Ever, Jane Kickstarter project, the intrepid Ms. Corrigan is offering you (yes, YOU!) the opportunity to marry Bedlam.  Check out the whole story here!

Oh, but speaking of Ever, Jane that reminds me of a similar-sounding project: EVER NEAR.  Did you remember I was in a Review Rumble with EVER NEAR?  Don't forget to "vote" by writing a review for one of us.  And by "one of us" I mean BRAINEATER JONES.

Guest Post: Mia Grace, Author of CORRELATION

Well, this is exciting, blogketeers!  I've never hosted a guest before on Manuscripts Burn and I'm delighted that my first could be fellow Red Adept author Mia Grace, who penned the newly released YA time-travel novel CORRELATION!

Red Adept is graciously hosting a $5, $10, and $20 Amazon gift card giveaway as part of Mia's blog tour, so be sure to read all the way to the end.  But first a few words about the topic that I asked Mia to write about.

When I returned from my tour in Iraq, I landed in Fort Dix, NJ, and while I knew that there wouldn't be a parade and likely not even the family welcome that the army sometimes organizes, I didn't really know what to expect.  I certainly didn't expect any kind of a welcome at our first waystation.

However, much to my delight and surprise, as soon as we set foot on American soil we were welcomed by the amazing organization Vietnam Veterans of America who kindly threw us a party.  The VVA organizers didn't want anything from us in exchange for their time and money, except (and I remember this distinctly) that we "pass it on to the next generation."  Their motto is "Never again shall one generation of veterans abandon another" and they put their money where their mouth is.  I try to donate regularly to the VVA now (and I suggest that you do, too)

That's the story of my connection to the outstanding men and women of the Vietnam era.  So now you know why, when I heard that Mia wrote a novel about a girl named Hailey who travels back in time to that period, I asked her:

What are the connections/similarities between the Vietnam era Hailey travels to and today?

This is not an easy question to answer! My first inclination is to say, there aren’t many. That era was one of great political activism that does not appear to be happening at all today. Between young men being drafted for the war in Vietnam and the civil rights movement that saw race riots erupting all over the country, it was impossible to watch television in 1968 without seeing young people protesting on college campuses and groups marching on Washington. Women’s lib was born in that era. Women burned their bras, and men burned their draft cards.

Today we have soldiers serving in war zones, but we read or hear very little about what’s happening to them on a daily basis. During the Vietnam era, the previous day’s body counts for both the Vietcong and the American/South Vietnamese forces were broadcast on nightly news. We watched footage of our soldiers trudging through rice paddies and swamps and jungles. We couldn’t escape the war. Today, our military action in Afghanistan and Iraq is all hidden. There is no draft, and both men and women serve in the armed forces by their own choice.

Much of the music in the Vietnam era was protest music, and the Woodstock Music Festival included a lot of anti-war sentiment. Bob Dylan, Joan Baez, and others wrote songs meant to rally young people to action over political issues. I’m not aware of a lot of protest music today.

Drug use in the 60s was more likely to be around hashish, marijuana, and LSD. Hippies wanted to “turn on and tune out.”  We heard little about cocaine and drug lords in foreign countries. Mostly it was “grow your own” and seems relatively harmless, compared to what young people face in the world of drugs today.

Computers were basically non-existent in the Vietnam era except in business or military use. They were huge and occupied entire rooms. Newspapers, magazines, radio, and television were the source of news and in-home entertainment. For movies, one had to go to the cinema or hope the Saturday Night Movie on one of the three national channels would show something you actually wanted to see.

The similarities? Like the Vietnam era, we are embroiled in the affairs of other countries, and the question remains, “Should we be there?” As I write, our president is struggling with sending armed forces to Syria. We can only hope that the mistakes of Vietnam are not recreated for today’s young people.

As always in life, we have no idea what’s coming next. The economy during Vietnam was robust, but would fail and gas prices would rise in the seventies. That’s happened again today. Today a major concern is domestic terrorism; back then the U.S. seemed inviolable.

At the same time, no one in the Vietnam era had any idea we would have iPods, smart phones, DVDs, or the internet. Who knows what wonders young people today will experience in forty-five years?

About the Author: 

Mia Grace lives in rural Vermont and works as a consumer advocate and educator in New Hampshire. When she’s not hiding away in her writer’s garret, she can be found enjoying her boisterous extended family, her menagerie of dogs, cats, and laying hens, and her perennial flower gardens.

Excerpt from CORRELATION:

Chapter One

“I can’t believe how bad we were!” Hailey Kent stood on the sidelines of the sunny playing field and brushed the loose dirt from the front of her Fenton High T-shirt. On the expanse of trampled grass before her, the two remaining pairs of sophomore girls moved in perfect synchrony toward the finish of the three-legged sack race.

Hailey swiped sweat from her forehead with a gritty forearm as she watched the lead couple. “Look at Lexie and Jess. They’re speed demons.”

“They’re coordinated,” Jenna Wells answered. “And they have a system.”

“We had a system. You just don’t know your right leg from your left.” Hailey rubbed the grass stains from her knees. “We’re going to have to hit your pool after this.” She stood up and shaded her eyes with one hand, peering toward the baseball diamond in the distance.

A familiar figure stepped up to bat in the softball game in progress between the seniors and the faculty. Cody. He stood poised over the plate, his practice swings confident as he faced the faculty pitcher. Her heart flip-flopped. “Is that Cody?”

Jenna followed the direction of Hailey’s gaze and scrunched her cute little pug nose at the sight of her older brother. “Yep. The weirdo was all psyched this morning about this game. Is David playing?”

Hailey’s delightful vision of Cody at the breakfast table faded at the mention of her own brother. “No, he’s skipping school today.”

Jenna’s chocolate brown eyes went wide in mock disbelief. “Skip a field day? His last one ever?”

“Don’t remind me.” Hailey turned back to the grassy field in time to see the last of her sack-racing classmates lurch across the finish line. “I have to give up my birthday so we can celebrate his stupid graduation. He’d skip that, too, if my parents would let him.” Just talking about it made her teeth clench.

Jenna picked up the sweatshirt she had tossed on the grass. “What did your mom say about the taco party?”

“I can do it next weekend.” Hailey mimicked her mom’s voice, “‘David’s only going to graduate once, but you can have a birthday party any time.’ Like turning sixteen is no big deal.”

“Maybe it’s for the best. More kids’ll be able to come next weekend.”

Hailey couldn’t resist smirking at her impish friend, who’d recently dyed a streak of ruby red in her long blond hair against her mother’s wishes. “Plus maybe you won’t be grounded by then.”

Their classmates were coming in from the sidelines to meet at the finish line, a clump of rowdy teenage girls in short shorts and Fenton tees celebrating the end of the school year with cheers and high-fives.

As she and Hailey strolled across the sunny lawn to join them, Jenna asked, “Do you think your folks’re going to get you that off-road bike?”

“I hope so. We’ve got to stay in shape so we can kick butt next year.”

Jenna gave her a playful grin. “Uh, we?”

Hailey grinned back at her. “Yeah, we—you and me, sister. We’re biking every day this summer. And next year, we’re smokin’ this race.”

***

Be sure to purchase CORRELATION at:

Amazon

Barnes & Noble

Kobo

And don't forget to review it and tell your friends about it on:

Goodreads

a Rafflecopter giveaway

The 2013 Hundie Challenge #86: Sophie's Choice

The 2013 Hundie Challenge #85: All the King's Men

BJ's Not Dead Yet!

Well, I warned/promised you: just because the official blog tour is over, doesn't mean you never get to hear about BRAINEATER JONES again! Don't worry, I've already updated The Quintessential BRAINEATER JONES post. In fact, I think I may have to pin that somewhere to the main page of the blog so you can keep a running tally...but I digress. Today I showed up on the inimitable Guy Haley's blog, Haley's Comment. And in case you missed it, yesterday I got the chance to correct my mulligan on WebbWeaver books! (Don't worry if you listened to the first interview - I gave different answers to all the questions and read a different excerpt, so you shouldn't feel any deja vu. It was fun!)

But anyway, I'm still plugging away on NaNo and the 2013 Hundie Challenge not to mention the day job and the holidays...but anyway, that's all crap. The most important thing is the bitter death contest I'm locked in with Melissa MacVicar. MACVICARRRRRR!!! Help me beat her by writing a review for BJ here. Thanks!

INAUTHENTIC BLOWHOLES

INAUTHENTIC BLOWHOLES

A Sticky, Steamy, Oily ARTIFICIAL ABSOLUTES Fanfic

by

No-Name

            Devin spilled rubbing oil all over his sexy man-boobs and began to rub himself down with it.

            “Mmm,” he commented lasciviously, “That’s good man-oil.”

            “Devin!” his plucky, kind-of purple-haired younger sister Jane shouted out griefily.

            He looked up, hands still sticky with oil, which was probably not of the variety that you wanted to eat, but nonetheless he began to suckle at his fingers like a baby pig at the trough of a baby pig’s mother pig.

            “Oh, hello, Pony,” he said, in between sucks on the pacifiers that were his fingers, “Are you ready for a…ride?”

            “What, precisely, do you mean by that?” Jane asked, swishing her hips from side-to-side pluckily, as junior young heroines were wont to do.

            “It was just a pun, babe,” he said, standing up as his glistening musculature glistened in the light of the Kyderan hyper-sun’s red warming rays, “You know, a pun on that pun that which is that I call you ‘Pony’ presumably because our last name is ‘Colt.’”

            No one had up until that point in the conversation mentioned their mutual last name, because, being brother and sister, they had no need to have done it.

            “I guess you could say,” Devin continued aplombily heavy with aplomb, “That I doubled up on the puns.  Now to quadruple up on the same: would you like to ‘double up’ on anything else…say, Adam and me?”

            “Bleep bloop,” Adam, who I neglected to mention was sitting nearby, said robotically, “I are robot.”

            “No!” Jane cried out, stretching out the single syllable into nearly a dozen with her uvula, spasmodically, “Oooooo,” she continued, and then, finally, grimily, concluded with a somewhat lame, “Ooo.”

            “Bleep bloop,” Adam repeated treacherously, “I are robot.”

            “No!” Jane cried out again felicitously, which set that whole thing into motion again, that whole paragraph I wrote before the last dialogue tag, unnecessarily.

            “What is it?” Devin cried out compassionately, gripping his sister with strange feelings closely to his manly masculine male-bosom, “Can you feel my heart beat?  Let it calm you.”

            Jane did.  And it did.

            “He’s not just some robot!” Jane cried out angrily to the Heavens, which housed some kind of fake God that she didn’t believe in, but also a real robot God that she did believe in, but which was presumably killed at the end of the last one.

            “Bleep bloop,” Adam said plaintively, “Yes, I am.”

            “Don’t say that, Adam!”

            Jane grabbed Adam heavily by his craterous chin and pressed his machine-like though oddly masculine face but also kind of a nice-guy thing going on, which makes him kind of half-dangerous but half okay to bring home to mom, which is like, hella sexy, up against her heaving bosom.

            “You’ve got feelings,” Jane said, “And compassions.  And scruples.  And a nickname, which I seem to recall may have been A-dumb, or maybe Uh-dam.  Kind of slipping my mind right now.  Corsair, whose real name also slips my mind right now, was the one who came up with it anyways.  Also, a dog, I think, which make you kind of über-dreamy.  Men who love dogs are just…oops.  I think I may have just soaked through my panties thinking about it.”

            And, indeed, her inner sputums began to drip upon the floor from beneath her somewhat feminine but altogether 100% all-American (only not American, because there is no America anymore, because this is space) but 200% (yeah, I blew your mind with that metaphor, didn’t I?) plucky skirt.

            “Bleep bloop,” Adam said from where his nose was wedged, cantankerously nestled, if you will, between Jane’s perfect real human cleavage, “God is awesome, baby.”

            Then she huskily threw his face away.

            “There is no God, jerk!”

            Jane turned slowly, so slowly that the warm Kyderan Gleep-Glorp Fish, which was noted for turning especially slowly, though, of course, you didn’t know that until I mentioned it just now, would’ve eaten all six of its hearts out, if, indeed, it had six hearts, which it may well not have, I haven’t really decided yet.  But aside from that, not much alien life in the galaxy.  Aside from all those repeated alien references I keep making.  Nope, no alien life whatsoever.  Oh, and the Jim-Jam Fly of Slimmerdang XVII.  Forgot to mention that up until just now as well.           

            What the outcome, ultimately, of her slow, almost Sound-of-Music-like turn (assuming that you were watching that one scene in the Sound of Music, except in slow motion) is that she noticed how hot her brother was, and when I say “hot” I don’t mean in temperature (although he was also hot in temperature) but I mean hot as in “sexy.”

            “This is wrong,” she prayed to herself, even though she believed in neither prayer nor herself, despite her pluckiness, which were both things that she would have to find and discover in her hero’s (or heroines?) journey, “So wrong.  We grew up together, I seem to vaguely recall from the first one.  And yet he was gone so often…but perhaps it isn’t wrong…to love…what the heart wants…or, wait, what’s that saying again?  The heart wants what the heart loves?  No, that’s not it, either.  The heart will have something that maybe hearts…”

            Instead, she promulgated out loud, “Come on, Devin, let’s bang.  Let’s, you know, get it on like they do on the Discovery Channel, even though as far future aliens or possibly humans we should have no concept of what the Discovery Channel once was, if, in fact, it ever even existed.”

            “Yes,” Devin agreed haughtily, “I concur.  Let’s bang.  It’s what out father, whose name escapes me at the moment and with whom we both had varying degrees of problems with, would not have wanted.  So let us spite-fuck.”

            “Bleep bloop,” Adam said, “Yo, what’s with the cock-block, bro?”

            Suddenly, at that exact instant, and, what’s more, unexpectedly, too, Bedlam burst into the room.  Doffing his top hat which I assume he wears when attempting to dazzle folks, Bedlam, eh, this sentence just kind of petered out.  But what’s more important: Bedlam!

            “Look,” Devin chattered blusteringly, “It’s our friend Bedlam from fellow property ORACLE OF PHILADELPHIA by Elizabeth Corrigan (available from fine booksellers now!)”

            “Hey guys!” Bedlam stated precipitously, “Wiggity wham wham wozzle!  I’m craaaaazy!”

            “Bleep bloop,” Adam said, “Damn, why you so crazy, Bedlam?”

            “I’m not craaaaaazy!” Bedlam said, crazily, his eyes twitching about the room like Ozzy Osbourne or Steven Tyler or somebody, I don’t know, I don’t fucking know anything about music, “I’m here because things.  Very important things.  But first: craaaaaaazy food!”

            Bedlam started to make, I don’t know, some, like, Cheez-its with chocolate syrup and, ah…I’m gonna say…vinegar pancakes?  Or, maybe, like a radish with, like, tampons or something?  But, rest assured, it was craaaaazy!

            “Bleep bloop,” Adam said incongruously, “Now that we’ve all eaten like crazy ho-ass bitches, what brings you here, Bedlam?  Bleep bloop?”

            “Oh, yeah,” Bedlam said testily, taking a bite out of his, I don’t know, watercress and dog poop sandwich (which essentially just tasted like dog poop – zing on you, watercress!  Fuck you watercress!  Nobody likes you!  Why do they even make you?  I don’t like you!  Why don’t you just crawl off into your little swamp or wherever they grow you and drown yourself and die?  Only don’t do it that way because you’re presumably grown from water, based on the name, so find some other way of dying and not bothering us anymore,) “Dolphins.”

            “Dolphins?” Jane queried hornily, eyeing up her brother’s pendulous man-meat and wishing that they weren’t so closely related.

            “Dolphins?” Devin interrogated randily, eyeing up his sister’s sexual attributes which I will leave up to your imagination here but which you can totally check out on the ARTIFICIAL ABSOLUTES cover (available now from fine book retailers everywhere!) wishing that they weren’t so closely related.

            “Bleep bloop,” Adam chirruped bloodily, “Dolphins?”

            “Oh no!” Bedlam cried out blandly, “Time is up!”

            Suddenly a dolphin crashed through the window.  Did I mention there was a window?  Eh, who gives a shit?  The dolphin sailed sacredly through the air before crashing languidly through the window.

            “Demon dolphin!” Bedlam yelled out whingingly, before disappearing in a poof of, I dunno, fairy dust or something, “Wiggity wham wham wozzle!”

            And thus the stakes were set.  Human (or possibly alien, I can’t really remember which) versus demon dolphin.  For the fate of…hmm.  I guess for whether the brother and sister bang or not. 

            So Devin heaved lustily into combat and grabbed the devil dolphin about the speculum. 

            “Bleep bloop,” Adam said, “Get him, Devin.  Or, wait, am I rooting for you?  What about my conflicted love?  Bleep bloop.  I understand the difference between an Isosceles, Equilateral, and Scalene Triangle, but not a Love Triangle.  What is love?  What doth love?  Explain!  Explain!”

            Jane stepped in with her lusty boots.  They may have been black, I don’t know, the model kind of trails off around the mid-section on the cover.

            “They say that love,” she ejaculated haughtily, “It is a river.  That leads a faithful stream.  Some say love it is a razor, that cuts a bloody stain.  Some say loooooove…”

            She turned to face the non-existent audience and began to sing, finally fulfilling her lifelong goal of singing.  Then, when that was over, she turned back to see her oiled-up naked brother Greco-Roman wrestling with a dolphin monster.

            “I know what to do!” Jane announced portentously.

            “Whoa, boy!” Devin emolumated pensively, gently stroking his enemy on his earholes, “I’m here to hurt you, not to help.”

            Jane returned dressed as a cheerleader, with lots of clothes of various colors and designs and what-have-yous, described in vivid detail, that definitely served as more than just fan service. 

            “Gooooooo DEVIN!” she shouted quietly, shaking her pom-poms, both of the metaphorical and literal qualities, for all her worth.  (Get it?  It’s a boob joke.)

            “Damn, son!” Devin said, losing his slippery grip on the waist of the wastrel of a porpoise for no purpose as he was distracted by his burgeoning attraction (and by “attraction” I mean “erection”) for his kid sister.

            “Bleep bloop!” Adam announced controversially, “Damn, son!”

            As the dolphin flopped about on the floor for various reasons, just barely out of Devin’s squirming, oiled-up, oily grasp of his big, manly meat-hands, all was lost.  That was the point in the structure of the story where all was lost.  Because the dolphin had slipped (ha!) his grip.

            “Noooooo!” Devin roared mournfully to an implacable universe of diodes and possibly no aliens, “No one can save us now!  All is lost, as is evident from the situation we found ourselves in!”

            “Bleep bloop,” Adam agreed speedily, “No one can save us now.”

            “Hark, but wait!”

            That was Jane.  That last sentence.  She said it.  Pontifically.

            “Who’s that?” Jane proffered intensely, pointing towards the door which I hadn’t mentioned up until now with her perky boobs.  I mean, I hadn’t mentioned the door.  Of course I have already mentioned her perky boobs.  Of which she was not wearing a bra and her areolas cut through her shirt like a shiny fish-boning knife.

            “By, Jove, Pony!” Devin squandered eruditely, “Your pluckiness has saved us again!”

            That’s when Braineater Jones from the samely-titled work, also known as BRAINEATER JONES (available now from fine booksellers everywhere!) stumbled in through that door I forgot to mention.

            “Hey, everybody!” Jones expostulated provocatively, “I just flew in from the 1930s and boy are my arms tired.  Eh?  Eh?”

            The three characters from the other book and the dolphin, too, all shook their heads sorrowfully.  Suddenly, a wall gun protection thing dropped out of the wall and shot Braineater in the head.  And that was the end of that misbegotten character, who would never return again to annoy anybody ever again.

            “Wait, I know what to do!” Devin speculated profoundly.

            “Bleep bloop.”

            That was the dolphin!  Not Adam, like you thought!

            Devin unfurled his mighty wang from where it was hanging down below his knees and jammed it into the dolphin’s blowhole. 

            “Bleep bloop!” the dolphin pontificated argumentatively.

            “Bleep bloop!” Adam crenulated positively, “Hey, wait!  That’s what I say!”

            “Yes,” Devin agreed spectacularly, as he rocked the dolphin backward and forward with his fists planted firmly on his hips, as I assume dudes do when they’re getting some blowhole, “You see, this was Pandora’s last creation, Kazaa the Dolphin.  What you didn’t know was that there was a secret organization, the Spookily Monikerless People, who were associated with Anonymous and No-Name and a bunch of other organizations.  It was all pretty complicated.”

            “I’m Jane,” Jane reminded them deviously.

            Devin just kept on railing that dolphin.  It was pretty intense.  Just stop and picture it for a while, that should be able to get you off or whatever it is that people do when they’re reading por…I mean, erotica.  Damn, that dolphin took it like a champ, too.  Right in the blowhole.  Which, when you think about it, would be like taking a wang in your nostril, if you just had one instead of two.

            Then it broke.

            “Bleep bloop!” the dolphin intoned anonymously, before its eyes turned red, “I know now…why you cry…”

            You see, the dolphin was a robot THE WHOLE TIME!

            “Hey, what’s this?” Jane asked scrumptiously, walking over to a thing that had fallen on the ground, a piece of paper I guess, “Hey, did this fall out when that wall gun thingy came out?”

            Jane unrumpled the paper and began to read it.

            “Hey, this is Dad’s will!  It says here that incest is no longer illegal!”

            “Awwww, yeah,” Devin pronounced lustily, “Go get me my Black Knight helmet.”

            “Bleep bloop,” Adam stated torrentially, “What about me?”

            “Awww, you can join in,” Jane bleated tenderly, “You’re real to me.”

            “Bleep bloop.  And since I are robot, no condom?”

            “Nope,” Devin laughed prematurely as he strapped on his old merc uniform for sex game purposes and also to titillate the reader, “You have to wear a robot condom.”

            They all laughed heartily at Adam’s obvious distress at the thought of glove-love.

            “Awww.  I mean, ‘Bleep bloop.  Awww.’”

            “Let’s get it on,” Jane began to sing.

            And they all did.  With the dolphin corpse involved, too.

THE END?

I BEAT THE HUNGER GAMES!

Take that, whoever the author of the hunger games is!

The 2013 Hundie Challenge #84: Ulysses

The Quintessential BRAINEATER JONES Post

Red Adept Publishing first cover

Red Adept Publishing alternate cover

Author's Preferred Edition

Okay, kids, the BRAINEATER JONES blog tour is over, and, as promised, here is the comprehensive list of stops, both official and unofficial.  First of all, the purchase links:

Amazon
Barnes and Noble
Kobo
Google Play
iTunes

Godless

The audiobook (narrated by Steve Rimpici) is now also available!

Amazon
Audible
iTunes

Official blog tour stops:

A review on Big Al's Books and Pals
A mini-interview and guest post on BookHounds
A video interview on the Zigzag Timeline
A guest post on Ramblings of a Coffee-Addicted Writer
An interview on The Indie View
A guest post on Tomes of the Soul
A review on Literary R&R
A guest post/pretend interview on Naomi Rinceoir's blog
A review on I'm a Voracious Reader
An interview on WebbWeaver books Pt. I
An interview on WebbWeaver books Pt. II
A guest post on Erica Lucke Dean: The Official Blog
An interview on Big Al's Books and Pals
An interview on kboards

BRAINEATER JONES elsewhere on the internet:
 

GoodReads entry

Booklikes entry
Pre-release write-up on kboards
An interview on Becky Wallace's blog
A mention on Reaper's Reads
Pictures from the release party on Flickr
A mention on Naomi Rinceoir's Blog
My meeting with Brian Keene on Instagram
Pinterest for Jones
Pinterest for me
A guest post on Fang-Tastic Books
A mention on I Heart Reading
Another mention on I Heart Reading
A shout-out from Mia Grace on kboards
A mention as an upcoming read on FUONLYKNEW
A mini-review from Michael Crane on Booklikes
A review on I Heart Reading
A review on the Zombie Research Society
A review on Patrick D'Orazio's blog
A review on Feed the Zombie Children
An ad on BookBub
A mention on Wicca Witch 4
A review on Minding Spot
A funny write-up on Zigzag Timeline
An appearance on The Daily Dead's Indie Spotlight
A review on Charnel House Reviews
An Editor's Note interview on Becky Wallace's blog
A review on Wicca Witch 4
A review on Raging Book Reviews
A review on Horror Metal Sounds
A review on Dab of Darkness
An interview on Dab of Darkness
A review on That's What I'm Talking About
A review on Zigzag Timeline
An interview on Felicia A. Sullivan's page
An interview on Horror Metal Sounds
An interview on Days with the Undead
A shout-out on Lipsyy Lost and Found
A spotlight on Clarissa Johal's blog
An interview with audiobook narrator Steve Rimpici on Horror Metal Sounds
An interview on authorsinterviews
A shout-out on Lipsyy Lost & Found
A review on United Federation of Charles
A review on Lipsyy Lost & Found
A round-up mention on Lipsyy Lost & Found
An interview on Books, Beer, and Blogshit
A mention on Trista M. Borgwardt's blog
A mention on the United Federation of Charles
Braineater on Pinterest
A feature on The Book Junkie
A review on Twisted Book Junkie
A guest post on Man of La Book
A review on Long and Short Reviews

Writer's Bone names me one of 5 authors to follow on Twitter
A review on The Eloquent Page
A mention on Lipsyy's Lost and Found
An in-character guest post on Lipsyy's Lost and Found
A review from author Kurt Schuett (you'll have to scroll down or use ctrl+f to find it)
The Voice Awards Site announces Steve Rimpici as a nominee for best mystery audiobook
A sale spotlight on Freebookshub
Rimpici's award is mentioned on VoiceOverXtra
A review on One Guy's Guide to Good Reads
A review on Fiction State of Mind
A review on Trista M. Borgwardt's Blog
A guest post on The Next Best Book Blog
Named one of the Best of 2014 on Dabs of Darkness!
A review on The Next Best Book Blog
A review on The Horror Bookshelf
A review on Toxic Graveyard
A photo on Astral Musings
A review on Bookolio
A review on Creating Serenity
An interview on The Last Knock podcast (iTunes)
A review on Cellar Door Lit Rants & Reviews
My phone call is featured on the penultimate episode of Books & Booze (39:20 mark)
A review on JC's Book Haven
A mention on Indies Unlimited
A feature on Books & Booze on The Next Best Book Blog
A review on Horror Made
A review on Confessions of a Reviewer
A review on Project iRadio
A review on Reviews of a Fear Street Zombie
A review on Book Lovers Life
An interview on Bull Spec
A guest post on Confessions of a Reviewer
An interview on Zombiepalooza Radio
A review on Hey Said Renee
A review on Online Book Club
A review on On My Kindle
A review on THe GaL iN THe BLue MaSK
A review on Classic Book Reader
The original cover is featured on Not Pulp Covers
An interview on The Horror Show with Brian Keene (Halloween party)
A review on One Book Two
A listing on the Top 5 Horror Reads of 2015 on Confessions of a Reviewer
Named one of the best horror reads of 2015 on Hey Said Renee
A review on Tanie's Reviews
A review on A Well Read Woman
A review on Bookworm Coalition
A review on Dragon's Bookcase
A review on 100 Pages a Day
A review on Bound4Escape
A mention on Booker T's Farm
A review on A Book Drunkard
A mention on Metaphors and Moonlight
A review on Metaphors and Moonlight
A mention on VVB32 Reads
A mention on Booker T's Farm
A review on Nightmarish Conjurings
A review on Fallen Over Book Reviews
A cover feature on Metaphors and Moonlight
A review on Brian's Book Blog
A review on A Reviewer Darkly
A guest post on vvb32 reads
A review on vvb32 reads
A review on Bark at the Moon
A mention on vvb32 reads
A mention on vvb32 reads
A review on Fangs For the Fantasy
A review on Literary Litter
Named a runner-up in the best book covers of 2016 on Metaphors and Moonlight
Named one of the top books of 2016 on The Most Sublime Things
First line listed on Publisher's Weekly
A review on Spines in a Line
Featured on Riffle
A review on Showcasing Books
An interview with audiobook narrator Steve Rimpici on the inner circle

Named one of the Ten Best Zombie Books You May Not Have Heard of on Litreactor

Mentioned in a quote quiz on Metaphors and Moonlight

A review on Cannonball Reads

Nominated for a 666 Award on Godless

The book trailers:



The video interviews:



The audiobook trailer:

 

A mention on Gasmask Reader's YouTube Channel (at 3 minutes, 30 seconds):

A review on Gasmask Reader's YouTube Channel:

A review on DM Guay's Horror Comedy Crypt: