The San Man Cometh: A Play In One Act

Here's the transcript of an actual conversation which occurred at former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum's Puerto Rican Election Headquarters recently:

Rick Santorum:   I'm tiiiiired of people making fun of my name! Make it go away! Make it go away!

Campaign Manager:   What, the Google problem? There's...nothing we can really do about that. We have freedom of speech in this country.

RS:   Fix it. FIX IT FIX IT FIX IT FIX IT FIX IT...

CM:   Okay, okay! Jesus Christ, Rick! Um...we could...shut down the whole internet, I guess? Of course, that would cost millions of jobs...

RS:   Good enough! Do it! Problem solved. Goodbye big government, hello Santorum!

CM:   Um...or...also...and I'm just brainstorming here...we could ban all pornography? I guess that would cost...fewer...jobs. Still hundreds of thousands, though.

RS:   Boom. Done. Ban pornography. Then people can't make fun of my name anymore! Yaaaaay! Time to go play with my dead baby puppet!

FIN