The Terrifying Revenge of the B-Movie!!!: 37

EXT – WOODS
(FREAK, SARIA, PEASANTS)

THE FREAK IS TIED TO A TREE, DESPERATELY TRYING TO ESCAPE. SARIA KISSES HIM AND A GOB OF MUCOUS TRAILS FROM THE CREATURE’S CHEEK TO HER MOUTH AFTER THE KISS.

SARIA

Don’t worry. I won’t judge you. I’m here to show that you have pathos before those villagers kill you. I mean…save you from the villagers.

THE ANGRY MOB APPEARS SEEMINGLY OUT OF NOWHERE.

PEASANT #1

There’s the beast! Destroy it!

SARIA

Wait! Can’t you people tell that this is a thinking, feeling creature?

PEASANT #2

Well, we certainly hope it is.

PEASANT #3

Yeah, if it wasn’t, how would it feel what we’re about to do to it?

PEASANT #2

Yeah, and how could it think about what it had done as it dies miserably?

SARIA

But it hasn’t done anything.

PEASANT #1

Well, yeah, but, I mean, it exists. Maybe technically existing isn’t an action, but it is a verb. It is doing something: it’s being.

PEASANT #2

Well, it’s tricky, you know, you don’t want to use the passive tense in this situation.

PEASANT #3

Well it is currently here. It offends us with it’s presence.

PEASANT #4

It’s offending, you could say.

PEASANT #5

Yeah, it’s offending us. That’s an active verb.

SARIA

Don’t you people understand? You can’t kill it just because it’s different. Who here is the real monster?

PEASANT #1

Well, I mean, again, you’re talking metaphorically. You’re referring to us as monsters because of what we plan to do which might be a bit cruel. But technically speaking, you know…

PEASANT #2

Yeah, I mean, if you really look up monster in the dictionary…

PEASANT #3

Yeah, I mean it’s not ordinary. We could call it a chimera if you like. In any case it certainly needs burning.

The Terrifying Revenge of the B-Movie!!!: Scene 36

INT- VICTORIAN ERA PARLOR
(NOBLE, FREAK, BORIS, GAVORDT)

NOBLE

Thanks for staying with us. Tonight we’re looking at a true classic from the silent movie era: The Hideous Freak.

FREAK

I’m sorry, did you say silent movie?

NOBLE

Ah, of course I meant black and white.

FREAK

Isn’t the film in color?

NOBLE

Well you say tomato, I say tom-ah-to.

FREAK

I say tom-ah-to.

NOBLE

Tell me, what was it like to work with the master, and by the master I mean the film’s director…

SUDDENLY, BORIS AND GAVORDT SMASH INTO THE PARLOR, BATTLING EPICALLY.

BORIS

Boris kill! Boris eat!

NOBLE

What? No, this doesn’t make any sense. This is supposed to be a framing story. This is all a bit too metafictional and self-referential

BORIS AND GAVORDT ROLL AWAY.

FREAK

Listen, I’ve got to get back to the forest. We’re about to cut back to that whole sidestory, you know.

NOBLE

What? But, no, this isn’t supposed to be happening concurrently. I mean, where’s the script girl on this?

FREAK

They…don’t call them script girls anymore. I pity you.

NOBLE

Well at least I’m not a freak?

FREAK

Aren’t you?

SHAKING HIS HEAD, THE FREAK WALKS OFF. THE NOBLE WANDERS OUT OF THE WRECKED PARLOR. JIMMY COMES STAGGERING TOWARDS HIM. THE NOBLE HOLDS UP HIS HAND.

NOBLE

Look, will you stop?

JIMMY, PANTING HEAVILY, STOPS.

NOBLE

Listen, this toilet is clearly not attached to your foot. Just take off your shoe.

JIMMY

Huh?

JIMMY SLIPS OUT OF HIS SHOE AND THE TOILET REMAINS BEHIND. HE FLIPS HIS MASK UP.

JIMMY

Hey, thanks stranger. Who are you, anyway?

NOBLE

Look, I’m not even supposed to be part of this story. There was a mixup and…

JIMMY

Look, I didn’t ask for your life story. I’m just looking for a woman. Have you seen here?

NOBLE

Yeah, come on, I’ll show you.

The Terrifying Revenge of the B-Movie!!!: Scene 35

INT – BLACKSMITH SHOP
(BLACKSMITH, ZORBON, ZANDAR)

THE BLACKSMITH HAS HIS BACK TO THE WHOLE WRECKAGE OF THE UFO AND HIS STOREFRONT. HE IS COUNTING HIS HAMMERS. SINCE HE HAS GIVEN ONE TO JIMMY HE NOW ONLY HAS TWO.

BLACKSMITH

One. Two. Two hammers. Ah ah ah.

ZORBON AND ZANDAR, DAZED AND BLEEDING SLIGHTLY, EMERGE FROM THE WRECKAGE OF THE UFO.

ZORBON
(to Zandar, whispering through his teeth)

Play it cool.

(to Blacksmith)

I say there, local proprietor and fellow human, could we have your assistance?

BLACKSMITH

With what?

ZORBON

We need to get our, um…boat…repaired. Are you familiar with quantum mechanics?

BLACKSMITH

No.

ZANDAR

What about temporal hyperspace relay theory?

BLACKSMITH

Well, I can fix a boat.

ZORBON

Good enough. And for your wages we offer 8 million quatloos.

BLACKSMITH

What?

ZORBON

I mean…dollars. 8 million dollars.

BLACKSMITH

For your boat?

ZANDAR

Too little? Triple it.

BLACKSMITH

24 million dollars. Okay.

ZORBON

It seems we have a concordance! Simply hold out your digital currency imprint and we shall transfer the funds to your galacto-account. Sorry, of course I mean, your Earth account.

BLACKSMITH

Uh, look, guys, cash only.

ZANDAR

Oh, well, uh…we’re good for it.

BLACKSMITH

Fair enough. I’ll get to work.

THE BLACKSMITH WALKS INTO THE WRECKAGE OF THE UFO AND STARTS TO FIX IT. ZORBON TURNS TO ZANDAR.

ZORBON

Now to deal with that spider monster. You know what we have to do.

ZANDAR

Yes!

ZORBON

Release…Gavordt!

ZANDAR

Yes! Wait…what?

ZORBON

Release…Gavordt!

ZANDAR

That’s that monster thing we found.

ZORBON

Yes, I know.

ZANDAR

Don’t you know what would happen if we released that?

ZORBON

Yes, it would kill things. Including the giant tarantula.

ZANDAR

Yes. And then we’d have to answer to the ACLU. And I don’t think anyone wants the ACLU getting any stronger in this country.

ZORBON

That’s true. Very well then. Release Gavordt…on the ACLU!

BLACKSMITH

Isn’t this supposed to be set in Germany?

ZORBON

Get back to work, you.

BLACKSMITH

Yes, sir.

ZANDAR TAKES A SMALL METAL TRASMITTER WITH A SINGLE RED BUTTON OUT OF HIS POCKET. HE PRESSES THE BUTTON.

EXT – BLACKSMITH SHOP AND UFO WRECKAGE – CONTINUOUS
(GAVORDT)

A MASSIVE TRAPDOOR ON THE SIDE OF THE UFO OPENS. GAVORDT, A BIZARRE MASSIVE PURPLE ALIEN EMERGES FROM THE WRECKAGE AND ROARS. IT STEPS OUT. ALVIS AND FRANCOPHILE, MUCH SMALLER, EMERGE FROM THE SAME TRAPDOOR.

FRANCOPHILE

What is that?

ALVIS

Jailhouse rock, baby. Jailhouse rock.

FRANCOPHILE

That’s not even an answer. That doesn’t even make sense!

ALVIS

Thank you. Thank you very much.

FRANCOPHILE

Only you could ruin this for me, Algore. Only you.

ALVIS

Only you…

The Terrifying Revenge of the B-Movie!!!: Scene 34

SCENE 34

INT – UFO GALLEY
(FRANCOPHILE, ALGORE)

FRANCOPHILE FINISHES SCOOPING WHAT IS LEFT OF ELVIS’S BRAIN INTO ALGORE’S HALF EMPTY BRAIN CAVITY. HE FLIPS ALGORE’S SKULL LID BACK INTO PLACE AND PRESSES IT DOWN. THE BRAIN CAVITY IS TOO CRAMMED WITH BRAINS TO STAY DOWN. HE TRIES A FEW MORE TIMES, THEN GRABS A BOTTLE OF ELMER’S GLUE AND THE SKULL STAYS PUT. HE KNEELS DOWN AND TAKES ALGORE’S HAND TENDERLY IN HIS OWN.

FRANCOPHILE

Come on, King, I know you’re in there somewhere. Fight Algore. His personality is weak. Use your boundless charisma to overpower him!

ALGORE’S EYES FLUTTER OPEN.

ALGORE

Master…?

FRANCOPHILE SLAPS ALGORE HARD.

FRANCOPHILE

No, stupid, stop fighting!

ALGORE

Master…

FRANCOPHILE

Yes, it’s me, your master. I command you to let Elvis take over!

ALGORE STANDS UP, SPINS AROUND, AND MAGICALLY IS DRESSED LIKE LATE ‘70S FAT ELVIS, REPLETE WITH HARICUT AND WHITE SEQUINED POLYESTER. HE IS NOW ALVIS.

ALVIS

You ain’t nothin’ but a hound dog

FRANCOPHILE

Oh, you never died in my heart, Elvis!

ALVIS

Hold on there, baby.

ALVIS SLICKS HIS HAIR BACK.

ALVIS

It’s Alvis now.

FRANCOPHILE

Eh, close enough.

SUDDENLY THE UFO SHAKES, AND POORLY CONSTRUCTED LIGHT FIXTURES FALL FROM THE CEILING.

ALVIS

What was that?

FRANCOPHILE

Hell if I know.

EXT – VILLAGE – CONTINUOUS
(BORIS)

BORIS, NOW MASSIVE BEYOND REASONING, GRABS THE UFO WITH HIS TWO FRONT LEGS.

BORIS

Canned meat! Boris will feast! Tasty little flies!

BORIS SLAMS THE UFO TO THE GROUND, SMASHING IT INTO THE BLACKSMITH’S SHOP.

The Terrifying Revenge of the B-Movie!!!: Scene 33

SCENE 33

EXT – WOODS
(FREAK, SARIA)

SARIA IS RUNNING BREATHLESSLY THROUGH THE WOODS. SUDDENLY HER BLOUSE GETS CAUGHT ON A TREEBRANCH, BUT IT DOES NOT RIP, EVEN THOUGH SHE TUGS ON IT.

SARIA

Wow, luckily this fabric is extraordinarily strong so it didn’t rip. I’d better take it off, just in case.

SHE TAKES OFF HER BLOUSE AND INEXPLICABLY HANGS IT ON THE TREEBRANCH. SUDDENLY THE HIDEOUS FREAK APPEARS IN FRONT OF HER AND STARTS ROARING HORRIBLY.

SARIA

Oh, look at you. You’re ugly on the outside but beautiful on the inside, aren’t you?

THE FREAK LOOKS AT HER STRANGELY. IT STARTS POUNDING IT’S CHEST AND SCREAMING ANGRILY. SARIA TAKES THE FREAK AND GENTLY NESTLES ITS HEAD AGAINST HER AMPLE BOSOM.

SARIA

Shh, shh, there there. I know everyone has misunderstood you up until now, but I won’t do that.

THE FREAK HOWLS AND TRIES ANGRILY TO ESCAPE FROM HER SOOTHING BOSOM, BUT SHE HOLDS IT FAST.

The Terrifying Revenge of the B-Movie!!!: Scene 32

SCENE 32

INT – THE BLACKSMITH SHOP
(SARIA, JIMMY, BLACKSMITH)

SARIA WALKS INTO THE BLACKSMITH SHOP. SHE SEES JIMMY IN A METAL MASK POUNDING AWAY AT THE TOILET WITH A SLEDGEHAMMER. SHE SCREAMS.

SARIA

It's Jeffrey Manson Gacy, the Son of the Boston Hillside Zodiac Ripper!

JIMMY LOOKS UP FROM HIS WORK AND LOOKS AROUND.

JIMMY

Where?

SARIA GOES RUNNING OUT OF THE BLACKSMITH’S SHOP SCREAMING.

JIMMY

Wait! Saria!

JIMMY TRIES TO STUMBLE AFTER HER, BUT OF COURSE HE STILL HAS THE TOILET ON HIS FOOT.

JIMMY

God damn it!

JIMMY AWKWARDLY LIMPS AFTER HER, DRAGGING THE SLEDGEHAMMER ALONG ON THE GROUND AND THE TOILET ON HIS FOOT.

The Terrifying Revenge of the B-Movie!!!: Scene 31

SCENE 31

INT – UFO HALLWAY

FRANCOPHILE LOOKS OUTSIDE THE DOOR LIKE A HUNTED ANIMAL. WHEN HE SEES NOTHING HE SLOWLY TIPTOES OUT, FULLY DRESSED AND HOLDING A CHEESY ALIEN RAY GUN. HE LEAPS AROUND A CORNER, FIRING THE RAY GUN WILDLY AT NOTHING. HE SOON REACHES A ROOM WITH A GIANT NEON SIGN THAT SAYS "THE GALLEY.” HE LOOKS UP AT THE SIGN.

FRANCOPHILE

Hmm. They said they were going to the galley. The galley. Where could it be? Where could it possibly be? Oh, taunt me no longer, cruel demons, point me towards the gal...ah ha!

FRANCOPHILE NOTICES THE GIANT NEON SIGN AGAIN.

FRANCOPHILE

Perhaps someone in here can tell me how to reach the galley!

FRANCOPHILE BURSTS INTO THE ROOM.

FRANCOPHILE
(extremely fast)

Tell me the way to the galley now you hideous extra-terrestrial beasts before I fire this laser blaster ray gun and destroy you all!

ZORBON

Do you mind? We're trying to have dinner here.

FRANCOPHILE NOTICES ALGORE’S BRAINLESS BODY.

FRANCOPHILE

My god, what have you done to him, you monsters! How could you do such a horrifying thing?

ZANDAR

What we did to your servant...

FRANCOPHILE

Who cares about my servant? I'm talking about The King!

FRANCOPHILE GRABS THE JAR MARKED “ELVIS PRESLEY.” HE FALLS TO THE GROUND SOBBING LIKE A LUNATIC. ZORBON AND ZANDAR SLOWLY INCH OUT OF THE ROOM, EMBARRASSED FOR HIM.

FRANCOPHILE

Don't worry, Elvis, I can bring you back to life! I didn't go to Mad Scientist A&M for nothing! But they've already destroyed half of your brain. I'll need half a brain from somewhere else.

FRANCOPHILE LOOKS AROUND THE ROOM BEFORE FINALLY SETTLING ON ALGORE’S BRAIN.

FRANCOPHILE

Algore has half a brain! Well, Algore always had half a brain, but that's not the point!

The Terrifying Revenge of the B-Movie!!!: Scene 30

SCENE 30

INT – UFO GALLEY
(ALGORE, ZORBON, ZANDAR)

ALGORE IS SITTING IN A CHAIR WITH THE TOP OF HIS HEAD SAWED OFF. HIS BRAIN HAS BEEN REMOVED. ZORBON AND ZANDAR ARE SITTING AT A TABLE WITH ALGORE’S BRAIN IN THE CENTER. ZORBON BEGINS TO CARVE ALGORE’S BRAIN LIKE THANKSGIVING DINNER.

ZORBON

Do you want dark brain or gray matter?

ZANDAR

Gray matter.

ZORBON PLACES A SLICE OF ALGORE’S BRAIN ON ZANDAR’S PLATE AND ANOTHER SLICE ON HIS OWN.

ZANDAR

What would you like to drink with dinner?

ZORBON

Well, I can never decide whether to have red brain or white brain when we're having brain. How about some vintage Presley '72?

ZANDAR

An excellent choice.

ZANDAR POURS SOME GOOPY BRAINS FROM A HAR MARKED “ELVIS PRESLEY” INTO ZORBON’S GLASS AS WELL AS HIS OWN. ZANDAR RAISES HIS GLASS IN A TOAST.

ZANDAR

To the eating of many earthling brains after we have taken over this pathetic world.

ZORBON

Here, here!

ZANDAR

What?

ZORBON TAPS THE SIDE OF HIS GLASS.

ZORBON

Here, clink the glasses together here.

THEY CLINK GLASSES TOGETHER AND DRINK.

The Terrifying Revenge of the B-Movie!!!: Scene 29

SCENE 29

INT – UFO TORTURE CHAMBER
(ALGORE, FRANCOPHILE, ZORBON, ZANDAR)

ZORBON AND ZANDAR ARE STILL “TORTURING” ALGORE AND FRANCOPHILE BY SENSUAL MASSAGE. ZORBON SUDDENLY STOPS.

ZORBON

Stop, Zandar! Their wills are strong. I see now that they can resist even our most futile attempts at torture!

ZANDAR

We'll have to get some other patsies, Zorbon.

ZORBON

What shall we do with them?

ZANDAR

Let's...eat their brains!

ZORBON
(to Algore)

You first, fatty. Come with us to the galley.

ALGORE

Fair enough. Goodbye, master.

FRANCOPHILE

So long, retard.

THE ALIENS WALK ALGORE OUTSIDE THE TORTURE CHAMBER. FRANCOPHILE LEAPS UP FROM THE TABLE.

FRANCOPHILE
Hey wait! Wait, you forgot to restrain me! Shackles! Oh, damn. Well, at least I'll be able to escape.

The Terrifying Revenge of the B-Movie!!!: Scene 28

SCENE 28

INT – BLACKSMITH SHOP
(JIMMY, BLACKSMITH)

JIMMY HITS THE TOILET ON HIS FOOT WITH A LARGE SLEDGEHAMMER. WHITE PROCELAIN DUST FLOATS UP AND CAUSES HIM TO COUGH.

JIMMY
(to blacksmith)

Do you have goggles, or a mask, or something?

BLACKSMITH

Well, I have this.

THE BLACKSMITH HOLDS UP A BIZARRE METAL MASK.

The Terrifying Revenge of the B-Movie!!!: Scene 27

SCENE 27

EXT – THE STREETS OF A SMALL VILLAGE
(SARIA, HOBO)

SARIA IS WALKING DOWN THE COBBLESTONES. THEY STREETS ARE DESERTED EXCEPT FOR A SINGLE DRUNKEN HOBO. THE HOBO IS THE SAME ACTOR AS ZANDAR.

SARIA
(yelling to no one)

Where is everyone?

HOBO

Went off in an angry mob. Wouldn't let me come, though. "No hoboes allowed" they said. Next time I'm gonna start a mob and say, "No one but hoboes allowed!" That'll learn 'em.

THE HOBO WANDERS OFF, MUTTERING TO HIMSELF.

The Terrifying Revenge of the B-Movie!!!: Scene 26

SCENE 26

INT – BLACKSMITH SHOP
(BLACKSMITH, JIMMY)

A GRAYING OLD BESPECTACLED BLACKSMITH IS CHECKING HIS HAMMERS WHILE STANDING BEHIND THE COUNTER. THE BLACKSMITH IS THE SAME ACTOR AS ZORBON.

BLACKSMITH

One. Two. Three. Three hammers. Ah ah ah.

A RHYTHMIC THUMPING OUTSIDE GROWS LOUDER AND LOUDER UNTIL THE OLD BLACKSMITH CAN SEE A SHADOW ON THE WALL OF A CREATURE WITH A HIDEOUSLY LARGE FOOT.

BLACKSMITH

Oh my god! It's the hideous freak! The townspeople were right!

THERE IS A GREAT DEAL OF CLICHÉ DRAMA AND SLOW MOTION AS THE DOOR OPENS AND JIMMY WALKS IN, WITH HIS FOOT STILL IN THE TOILET. HE HAD BEEN CASTING THE WEIRD SHADOW.

JIMMY

I need a sledgehammer.

The Terrifying Revenge of the B-Movie!!!: Scene 25

SCENE 25

INT – UFO TORTURE CHAMBER (AKA SPA)
(ZORBON, SANDAR, ALGORE, FRANCOPHILE)

ALGORE AND FRANCOPHILE ARE BOTH LYING BELLY DOWN ON A TABLE, NAKED EXCEPT FOR TOWELS. ZANDAR AND ZORBON ARE NEARBY.

ZANDAR

Prepare for the diabolical Grendeebian pressure torture. You will tell us what we want to know about earthlings...or die.

FRANCOPHILE

No!

ALGORE

No!

ZANDAR BEGINS RUBBING FRANCOPHILE’S FEET. ZORBON BEGINS MASSAGING ALGORE’S SHOULDERS.

ZORBON

Succumb, pathetic earthlings! Your threshhold of pain is not large enough to take the many tortures we have devised! This could go on for thousands of your earth “years.”

ZANDAR

You can never endure it!

FRANCOPHILE

Actually, it feels rather good.

ALGORE

I agree. It's quite relaxing.

ZANDAR

Prepare for a whole new definition of agony, humans!

ZANDAR AND ZORBON BEGIN DOING DIFFERENT SORT OF MASSAGE TECHNIQUES ON THE TWO HUMANS.

ZORBON

Never! You'll never survive!

FRANCOPHILE
(relaxed)

Yeah, whatever.

ALGORE
(happily)

Sure, never.

The Terrifying Revenge of the B-Movie!!!: Scene 24

SCENE 24

EXT – RUBBLE OF FRANCOPHILE CASTLE – THE NEXT DAY
(JIMMY, SARIA)

JIMMY IS LYING IN THE RUBBLE, CUT AND WOUNDED, BUT NO BADLY INJURED. HE COUGHS A FEW TIME AND LOOKS UP TO SEE A PAIR OF WOMEN’S LEGS. HE LOOKS FARTHER UP TO SEE A GORGEOUS BLOND BOMBSHELL. THIS IS UNNECESARIA TEEYANAY, CALLED SARIA, WHOM ALGORE MENTIONED EARLIER AS HIS DATE. JIMMY SLICKS BACK HIS HAIR EVEN THOUGH HE IS COVERED WITH RUBBLE AND GORE AND HAS A TOILET ON HIS FOOT.

JIMMY

Well, Hello.

SARIA

Hello. Is Algore around?

JIMMY

Algore? You're looking for the hunchback?

WOMAN

Yes. I have a date with him. My name is Unnecessaria Teeyanay. Everybody calls me Saria. You must be Professor Vector van Francophile.

SARIA SHAKES JIMMY’S HAND.

JIMMY

Francophile? No, I'm not Francophile!

SARIA

You're not? Who are you, then?

JIMMY

Jimmy Smith. I mean,

(dignified, British accent)

The Earl of Warren.

SARIA

Is that a toilet on your foot?

JIMMY
(regular)

Oh, dammit!

SARIA

Hey, wait! The castle's gone!

SARIA LOOKS AROUND THE RUBBLE OF THE CASTLE AS THOUGH JUST NOTICING IT. JIMMY GETS UP.

JIMMY

So it is. Well, I'm off!

JIMMY LIMPS OFF.

SARIA
(calling after him)

What about Algore?

JIMMY
(over his shoulder)

I don't know.

SARIA

Where are you going?

JIMMY

To get this damn thing off my foot!

The Terrifying Revenge of the B-Movie!!!: Scene 23

SCENE 23

INT – VICTORIAN ERA PARLOR
(NOBLE, FREAK)

THE BRITISH NOBLE IS SITTING IN HIS CHAIR. IN THE CHAIR NEXT TO HIM, PERFECTLY GROOMED AND DRESSED, IS THE HIDEOUS FREAK.

NOBLE

Hello, and welcome back. Tonight you're watching "The Hideous Freak" starring several people. With us tonight is one of those people, J. Edwin Pendergast, the actor who played the title role, that is, the hideous freak. Thank you for being with us today, Mr. Pendergast.

FREAK

Oh, the pleasure is all mine, sir, the pleasure is all mine.

NOBLE

So what are you doing now?

FREAK

Well, I'm not doing any new projects right now. I'm just doing some of the late night talk shows. I've been on Johnny Carson, Jay Leno, Jack Paar.

NOBLE

I see. Now, then, tell us about your experiences playing the hideous freak.

FREAK

Well, some people say that it was the role I was born to play, being a hideous malformed freak and all.

NOBLE

Of course.

FREAK

But I say it was the role which I worked and slaved and laboriously, uh…labored to portray. I think I did a rather bang-up job, too.

NOBLE

Oh, quite, quite. Well, there you have it, ladies and gentlemen, straight from the horse's...er, mouth. And now back to "The Hideous Freak", starring J. Edwin Pendergast who is with us today.

The Terrifying Revenge of the B-Movie!!!: Scene 22

SCENE 22

EXT – THE FOREST
(PEASANTS, CREATURE, ALGORE, FRANCOPHILE)

THE ANGRY MOB IS RUNNING THROUGH THE FOREST, YELLING AND SHOUTING. SUDDENLY THEY COME UPON A HORRIBLE CREATURE EATING A BABY, BUT IT IS NOT THE HIDEOUS FREAK THAT FRANCOPHILE BUILT.

PEASANT #5

There's the freak! Kill it!

CREATURE

Wait, wait, calm down, I'm not the horrible freak you’re looking for. I'm just an ordinary creature of some sort. The freak is over there.

THE CREATURE POINTS IN SOME RANDOM DIRECTION, WHERE THE HIDEOUS FREAK IS STANDING. THE FREAK SEES THAT ALL THE MOB MEMBERS TURN TO LOOK AT HIM. HE SUDDENLY TAKES OFF RUNNING.

PEASANT #6

Sorry about the mishap.

CREATURE

No problem.

PEASANT #7

Terribly sorry.

CREATURE

Could have happened to anyone.

AS HE IS WALKING AWAY, THE PEASANT PICKS UP A PIECE OF THE BABY THAT THE CREATURE DROPPED AND HANDS IT BACK TO HIM.

PEASANT #7

Oh, you dropped this.

CREATURE

Ah, thanks so much.

THE CAMERA SLOWLY PANS OVER TO REVEAL FRANCOPHILE AND ALGORE SITTING IN THE BUSHES HIDING. THEY WATCH THE MOB RUN OFF AFTER THE FREAK.

FRANCOPHILE

Now that that mob is gone, we have nothing to worry About, Algore.

ALGORE

Yes, Prof. Francophile.

A LIGHT SUDDENLY SHINES ON BOTH OF THEM. THEY LOOK UP TO SEE THE CARDBOARD UFO SUCKING THEM IN THROUGH A BEAM OF LIGHT.

ALGORE

You had to tempt fate, didn't you, you stupid bastard.

FRANCOPHILE

Oh, damn.

And the winner is...

The Terrifying Revenge of the B-Movie!!!: Scene 21

***Don't forget to enter the contest here and check out the grand prize here. Polls close tonight at midnight EST.***

SCENE 21

INT – UFO BRIDGE
(ZORBON, ZANDAR)

ZORBON AND ZANDAR ARE WATCHING THE EXTERIOR OF THE CASTLE ON THEIR MONITOR.

ZANDAR

What the hell is that?

ZORBON

I don't know.

EXT – FRANCOPHILE CASTLE – CONTINUOUS
(PEASANTS 1-4)

AN ANGRY MOB WITH PITCHFORKS AND TORCHES ARE CLAMORING TOWARDS THE CASTLE, YELLING ABUSE. THE HIDEOUS FREAK LEAPS DOWN FROM THE PRECIPICE OF THE WRECKED CASTLE ROOF AND LANDS RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE MOB.

PEASANT #1

There's the beast!

PEASANT #2

I knew Francophile was building some sort of hideous freak!

PEASANT #3

Kill the beast now! We'll come back to murder Francophile after we've eaten. We can have turkey!

ALL

Yeah, turkey!

PEASANT #4

Kill! Kill!

ALL
(chanting)

Kill! Kill! Faster pussycat, kill, kill!

THE HIDEOUS FREAK ROARS IN ANGER AND RUNS AWAY TOWARDS THE FOREST. THE MOB RAMBLES ON AFTER IT. THE UFO HOVERS ABOVE THE CROWD.

INT – UFO BRIDGE - CONTINUOUS
(ZORBON, ZANDAR, BORIS)

ZORBON AND ZANDAR WATCH THE MOB CHASE THE HIDEOUS FREAK INTO THE WOODS ON THEIR MONITOR.

ZANDAR

Should we chase the monster?

ZORBON

No, we should observe this social structure that's chasing him though. We could learn a lot about earthling social mentality.

ZANDAR

Wait, there goes the scientist!

ZANDAR POINTS TO THE MONITOR WHERE ALGORE AND FRANCOPHILE ARE RUNNING OUT THE BACK DOOR.

ZORBON

Fire one last shot at the castle, then follow the scientist, maximum speed!

THE CANNON FIRES ONE SHOT, BRINGING THE REST OF THE CASTLE TUMBLING DOWN, THEN THE UFO TAKES OFF IN PURSUIT OF FRANCOPHILE. BORIS THE TARANTULA, NOW IMMENSE, EMERGES FROM THE RUBBLE. HE SHAKES THE SOOT OFF HIMSELF.

BORIS

Food! Boris needs something to eat! Boris will eat!

BORIS STRIDES OFF, MUTTERING TO HIMSELF.

The Terrifying Revenge of the B-Movie!!!: Scene 20

***Don't forget to enter the contest here and check out the grand prize here. Polls close Monday at midnight.***

SCENE 20

INT – CASTLE FRANCOPHILE DOORWAY
(JIMMY, FRANCOPHILE, ALGORE, ZORBON)

JIMMY HAS LIMPED OUT TO THE DOORWAY. FRANCOPHILE AND ALGORE LITERALLY RUN INTO HIM.

FRANCOPHILE

Who are you? What are you doing here?

JIMMY

Uh, I, uh…

ALGORE

That's the Earl of Warren, master. He rang the door earlier.

JIMMY
(hurried, fake British accent)

Oh, yes, that's me. But we must get out of here. There are aliens attacking!

FRANCOPHILE

Hey, what are you doing with my toilet?

JIMMY

Huh? Oh, I, uh...

JIMMY IS INTERRUPTED WHEN THE DOORWAY SUDDENLY EXPLODES INWARD. JIMMY IS THROWN TO THE FLOOR, UNCONSCIOUS. WHEN THE DUST CLEARS A FEW SECONDS LATER THE UFO IS FLOATING IN MIDAIR VIA OBVIOUSLY VISIBLE WIRE. THE UFO’S CANNON IS POINTED AT FRANCOPHILE AND ALGORE, WHO ARE STILL ON THEIR FEET. A LOUDSPEAKER EXTENDS FROM THE UFO AND ZORBON BEGINS SPEAKING THROUGH IT.

ZORBON (O.S.)

Attention Earthlings! This is Zorbon, commander of the expedition to take over the planet Earth! We are here to analyze your familial structure. We will begin tearing your house apart to learn all we can about it. Just carry on as though we were not here!

FRANCOPHILE
(whispering to Algore)

We can sneak out the back way.

ALGORE

What about the Earl of Warren?

FRANCOPHILE

Leave him!

FRANCOPHILE AND ALGORE RUN AWAY OUT THE BACK DOOR.

ZORBON

No, no! Don't leave! Aw, damn. Power up the cannon, Zandar, it's time for some carnage.

THE LOUDSPEAKER RETRACTS AND THE UFO RISES UP ABOVE THE HOUSE. THE CANNON FIRES, DEMOLISHING THE WHOLE ROOF. THE HIDEOUS FREAK POPS UP OUT OF THE RUBBLE.

The Terrifying Revenge of the B-Movie!!!: Scene 19

***Don't forget to enter the contest here and check out the grand prize here. Polls close Monday at midnight. I'm not going to get desperate and start BEGGING for entries, but, well, you know...free posters....why NOT enter?***

SCENE 19

INT – THE FRANCOPHILE KITCHEN
(BORIS)

BORIS THE GIANT TARANTALUS SCUTTLES INTO THE KITCHEN. HE IS ABOUT THE SIZE OF A DOG NOW.

BORIS

Food, food, Boris needs food!

BORIS SEES THE REFRIGERATOR AND OPENS IT UP.

BORIS

Ah, food for Boris to gorge himself on!

BORIS BEGINS GOBBLING DOWN THE CONTENTS OF THE FRIDGE. BEFORE HE IS FINISHED HE HAS NEARLY TRIPLED IN SIZE.

BORIS

Boris is still hungry! Boris needs more food!

BORIS BEGINS RANSACKING THE CUPBOARDS, GROWING EVER LARGER WITH EACH BITE.

The Terrifying Revenge of the B-Movie!!!: Scene 18

***Don't forget to enter the contest here and check out the grand prize here. Polls close Monday at midnight. At this point if you enter, you're pretty much the winner.***

SCENE 18

INT – FRANCOPHILE’S GARAGE
(FRANCOPHILE, ALGORE, FANTASY CHIHUAHUA, FANTASY PIG)

ALGORE HAS A HUGE SACK. THERE ARE ROWS AND ROWS OF MEDICAL INSTRUMENTS, VIALS, AND BEAKERS FULL OF CHEMICALS ON THE SHELVES. FRANCOPHILE HAS A CHECKLIST. AS FRANCOPHILE CALLS OFF THE CHECKLIST, ALGORE THROWS THE ITEMS INTO HIS SACK AND FRANCOPHILE CHECKS IT OFF.

FRANCOPHILE

Sodium disaccharide.

ALGORE

Check!

FRANCOPHILE

The bones of a dead marmoset.

ALGORE

Check!

FRANCOPHILE

My bring-the-dead-back-to-life formula.

ALGORE

Check and check.

FRANCOPHILE

Two cockroaches in heat.

ALGORE

Check.

FRANCOPHILE

Enlarging formula.

ALGORE

Che...oh, wait. I left that in the bathroom.

FRANCOPHILE

What were you doing with my enlarging formula in the bathroom?

ALGORE

Well, you know, even nature needs a little help sometimes.

FRANCOPHILE

Oh, that's perverted! You were using my monstrous creations to advance your own sex life?

ALGORE

Well, I do have a hot date tonight.

FRANCOPHILE

With who?

ALGORE

She's very pretty.

FRANCOPHILE

Your idea of pretty, no doubt.

FRANCOPHILE PICTURES ALGORE’S IDEA OF PRETTY. HE SEES ALGORE DRESSED UP, DOING A WALTZ WITH A PIG IN A MINISKIRT. A CHIHUAHUA WALKS UP AND TAPS THE PIG ON THE SHOULDER.

CHIHUAHUA

Mind if I cut in?

PIG

No, go right ahead.

ALGORE AND THE CHIHUAHUA BEGIN TO SLOW DANCE. FRANCOPHILE SUDDENLY SNAPS OUT OF THE FANTASY WHEN HE NOTICES ALGORE IS MIDWAY THROUGH A SENTENCE.

ALGORE

...Ria.

FRANCOPHILE

What?

ALGORE

I said, her name is Unnecessaria. Unnecessaria Teeyanay.

FRANCOPHILE

Oh, forget about it. I do not want to hear about my hunchback's love life. We've got enough of the necessities of life now. Although we really shouldn't let the enlarging formula get into the wrong hands…

The Terrifying Revenge of the B-Movie!!!: Scene 17

***Don't forget to enter the contest here and check out the grand prize here.***

SCENE 17

INT – FRANCOPHILE LABORATORY
(FRANCOPHILE, ALGORE)

ALGORE IS HOLDING FRANCOPHILE, AND THEY ARE BOTH QUAKING IN FEAR. WE FINALLY HAVE A FULL VIEW OF FRANCOPHILE’S PROJECT, THE HIDEOUS FREAK. IT IS PIECED TOGETHER FROM MANY OTHER ANIMALS, A PIG, A BIRD, AN ELEPHANT, A COW, A CROCODILE, LOBSTERS, AN OCTOPUS, A RHINOCEROS, AND A DEER. THE HIDEOUS FREAK STUMBLES TOWARDS THEM. ALGORE AND FRANCOPHILE SCREAM AND RUN OFF.

FRANCOPHILE

My hideous freak has become deranged! I built him to be a thing of evil, but now he's turned on me! Oh, poor histrionics! Now, Algore, we'll need to escape the castle. We need to stockpile necessities. We'll take only what we need to survive.

The Terrifying Revenge of the B-Movie!!!: Scene 16

***Don't forget to enter the contest here and check out the grand prize here.***

SCENE 16

INT - THE FRANCOPHILE PARLOR
(JIMMY)

JIMMY IS DRAGGING HIMSELF THROUGH THE PARLOR WITH THE TOILET STILL STUCK ON HIS FOOT. THERE IS A SUDDEN LOUD CRASH AND EXPLOSION, AND THE WHOLE CASTLE SHAKES. JIMMY LOOKS OUT A WINDOW. EMBEDDED IN THE GROUND IS THE UFO.

JIMMY

Wow, they've finally landed.

THE UFO DISLODGES ITSELF FROM THE GROUND AND HOVERS UP INTO THE AIR. A LARGE CANNON EXTENDS FROM IT.

JIMMY

Uh oh.

The Terrifying Revenge of the B-Movie!!!: Scene 15

***Don't forget to enter the contest here and check out the grand prize here.***

SCENE 15

EXT – OUTER SPACE

THE VERY FAKE LOOKING CARDBOARD UFO WITH STRINGS WHICH ORIGINALLY ABDUCTED JEFFREY MANSON GACY IS HOVERING IN SPACE.

INT – THE UFO
(ZANDAR, ZORBON)

TWO “ALIENS” WHICH ARE JUST ORDINARY HUMANS IN SILVER JUMPSUITS WEARING BEANIE ANTENNAE, ARE STANDING ON THE BRIDGE OF THE UFO. THESE ARE ZANDAR AND ZORBON.

ZANDAR

Ha ha, Zorbon, these foolish earthlings are so unsuspecting of our plot to...take over their world!

ZANDAR AND ZORBON LAUGH MENACINGLY.

ZORBON

Yes, Zandar, when we have collected enough samples of human biology and sociology, we will have enough knowledge to...conquer their planet!

ZANDAR AND ZORBON LAUGH MENACINGLY.

ZANDAR

From the sample human we have collected we have already determined that all humans are psychopathic killers who had terrible childhoods, spent most of their time in an insane asylum being sprayed periodically with cold water and then smacked with towels, then escaped and will kill again. A basic, normal human life.

A SMALL RED LIGHT BLINKS AND A SIREN ACCOMPANIES IT. AFTER A MOMENT, THE RED LIGHT FALLS OFF. ZORBON LOOKS AT A COMPUTER SCREEN WHICH IS PLAYING PONG.

ZORBON

Zandar, we have found a large castle which contains an electrocuted mad scientist, a hunchback with two humps, a hideous monster constructed from bits of regular animals, a large spider which is growing every second, and what appears to be a man with his foot stuck in a toilet.

ZANDAR

Ah, excellent. An ordinary family structure. Descend to this place!

ZORBON GRABS A LARGE LEVER AND PRESSES IT TO THE “DESCEND” POSITION. THE UFO BEGINS ROCKETING DOWN THROUGH THE ATMOSPHERE AT BREAKNECK SPEEDS. ZANDAR AND ZORBON GRAB ONE ANOTHER AND SCREAM.

The Terrifying Revenge of the B-Movie!!!: Scene 14

***Don't forget to enter the contest here and check out the grand prize here.***

SCENE 14

INT – THE VICTORIAN ERA PARLOR
(NOBLE)

THE NOBLE SETS DOWN THE LARGE BOOK HE WAS READING AND STARES AT THE AUDIENCE WITH HIS FINGERS INTERLACED.

NOBLE

And so begins our tale of evil, science, and the terror that dabbling with life will no doubt bring. Meanwhile, in outer space...

The Terrifying Revenge of the B-Movie!!!: Scene 13

***Don't forget to enter the contest here and check out the grand prize here.***

SCENE 13

INT – THE FRANCOPHILE BATHROOM
(JIMMY, BORIS)

JIMMY FINISHES UNSCREWING THE TOILET AND IT POPS OUT FROM THE FLOOR.

JIMMY

I'm loose! I'm finally loose!

BORIS, THE TARANTULA, GROWS SO LARGE THAT THE GLASS SHATTERS AND HE ESCAPES THE GREEN GOOD.

BORIS

I'm free! Free!

The Terrifying Revenge of the B-Movie!!!: Scene 12

***Don't forget to enter the contest here and check out the grand prize here.***

SCENE 12

INT – THE FRANCOPHILE LAB
(FRANCOPHILE, ALGORE)

FRANCOPHILE

All right. We’ll just take the door off it’s hinges and bring the elemental power of – static electricity – to you! Now, where’s the screwdriver?

ALGORE
(sheepishly)

Right…about that…there was an inspection, you see…

FRANCOPHILE

Damn you, Algore, and your jackassery. Very well then. I shall use alternate means.

FRANCOPHILE PICKS UP A BEAKER FROM A TABLE AND LOOKS AT IT. HE SMASHES IT AGAINST THE HINGE OF THE DOOR, WITH NO EFFECT. HE SCRATCHES HIS HEAD. LOOKING AROUND, HE PICKS UP A BOOK, AND TRIES TO BEAT THE HINGE OF THE DOOR OFF WITH THE BOOK.

FRANCOPHILE

Oh, wait. I forgot. I always carry a spare.

FRANCOPHILE REACHES INTO HIS SOCK AND PULLS OUT A SCREWDRIVER. HE QUICKLY UNSCREW THE DOOR FROM THE FRAME. HE STUMBLES FORWARD AND THE KNOB IS NOW IN ALGORE’S REACH. FRANCOPHILE GRABS THE KNOB FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DOOR AND PANTS LOUDLY IN EXHAUSTION.

FRANCOPHILE

Now, Algore, don't touch the knob just yet...

ALGORE TOUCHES THE KNOB. FRANCOPHILE, ALGORE, AND THE MONSTER ARE ALL SIMULTANEOUSLY ELECTROCUTED VIOLENTLY. THE MONSTER STANDS UP AND THE SHEET WHIPS AWAY, ALTHOUGH THE AUDIENCE DOES NOT YET SEE IT COMPLETELY.

FRANCOPHILE

It's alive! It's really, really, really alive!

The Terrifying Revenge of the B-Movie!!!: Scene 11

***After patiently waiting all week we're back to the screenplay. But don't forget to enter the contest here and check out the grand prize here.***

SCENE 11

INT – THE FRANCOPHILE BATHROOM
(JIMMY)

JIMMY IS STRAINING TO PULL HIS LEG OUT OF THE TOILET.

JIMMY

Oh, man, how am I going to get out of this?

JIMMY LOOKS AROUND NERVOUSLY. HE GRABS THE SCREWDRIVER FROM THE SINK. HE STILL DOES NOT NOTICE, BUT THE TARANTULA IS CONTINUING TO GROW EXPONENTIALLY IN THE GREEN GOO. JIMMY BEGINS UNSCREWING THE TOILET FROM THE FLOOR.

Remembering Life on Mars

Thanks for sticking by the blog this week. Since Monday and Tuesday were contest related and yesterday was an April Fool’s joke, we’ll get back to your regularly scripted script tomorrow. But since this blog has always been staunchly pro-Life on Mars, it would be remiss for me not to mark the passing of this magnificent and unusual show.

To me, Life on Mars wasn’t just a show, it was an epoch in my life. I know that sounds trite and I cringe a little just typing those words, but it’s true. When Life on Mars began I was still in the army on transitional leave. As the weeks went by and I sank deeper and deeper into the mire of unemployment I felt just as lost and aimless as Sam Tyler lost in the ‘70s. I finally found a job and it was like a whole new world. Civilian work? Hourly wages? Production stats? My new job felt a lot like the 1-2-5 Precinct must have felt for Sam.

Sometimes it seems strange to miss a fictional character. But TV shows sometimes last longer than friendships or marriages. They say that it’s difficult to quit smoking not because of the physical component but because of the psychological. Cigarettes are good friends to you in bad times. Good fiction can be like that, too. And you can miss people, and be sad about their passing, even if they were never real. That’s how I feel now.

As for the series finale I am ambivalent.

SPOILER ALERT!!!

(Does anybody ever actually stop reading when they see those?)

Anyway, I have to admit there was nothing really missing. The cops solved the mystery of the week, the romance between Sam and Annie was finally settled, all the Tyler family drama was settled once and for all, and the series mythos was finally revealed.

First for the sort of bad. They seemed to waste a whole half hour of the show doing nothing. It didn’t really start until they got to Hyde, and that’s an awful lot of drama to cram into 30 minutes. I guess they really desperately didn’t want to break from the “mystery of the week” format, even if it meant scrambling to solve all the mythos and emotional problems

I didn’t really care about Sam and Annie getting together. That was a foregone conclusion. HOWEVER there was a brief moment where it was implied that the whole series was actually Annie’s fantasy, and Sam was just some nice young boy who read to her that she had inserted into her dreamworld. That was a mindfuck, even if it didn’t turn out to be the “real” solution.

Now, the sort of good. Everybody got their say, with the notable exception of Chris, who has been criminally neglected this whole show anyway. Gene got his little “tell the bastard that shot you it didn’t hurt that much” speech and Ray got his little “we’re all on a rock” speech. I was disappointed, though, that Sam didn’t at some point say to Vic “thanks for the gunshot, dickweed, but I didn't even feel it.” Too cutesy, maybe.

Now for the really good. The whole heart of the episode, the whole core of the whole show as far as I’m concerned, is when Sam grabs Gene and they hug, and the crusty old bastard says, “I think I’ll miss you most of all, Scarecrow.” There’s love there, and pain, and secret pain, and seeking acceptance, and finding it in strange places, and there’s a framework of a strange world like Oz. That’s the very best of the show, perhaps the best moment of the whole series with the possible exception of the initial car wreck.

As for the actual series mythos solution, on the one hand, I have to give the creators props. It was truly original, truly unexpected, and although it was never even hinted at throughout the run of the series, it truly does fit in with all the little bits and pieces. Salud. HOWEVER, what the fuck? 2035? So neither 2008 nor 1973 is real? So I kind of just wasted the last eight months of my life because all of it was some verkakte little glitch in the system and it wasn’t even the right dream? And Michael Imperioli never really had his moustache? I’m still in the “visceral” stage right now of post-viewership, I expect after I get the DVD I’ll be able to ponder it more, but for right now I still have this feeling that someone somewhere is saying, “ha ha, fuck you, audience.” But there may have been a brilliant, final mindfuck in the very last instant. Was it really all secretly real and the Mars lander bit is part of a greater falsity? Who knows.

Closing thoughts:

- was Future-Sam a 4 year old in 2008? Did he see 2008 the way theoretical Sam saw 1973?

- if Gene (or “Major Tom”) is really Sam’s father, what does that make Vic? The embodiment of his dark side?

- did anybody else notice that Vic told Sam he didn’t look like a cop, but rather an astronaut?

- so in the heaven episode when “god” said that he was giving him an opportunity to be with the dad he really wanted, was he referring to Gene and not black mentor guy?

- the big one and my closing thought. The very last second of the very last scene of the very last episode has Gene’s 1973 white leather loafer being the first foot on Mars. Does this imply that there is an even greater framework than the 2035 world? Is this really just a Matrix within a Matrix? It gives me a little bit of hope that maybe my investment in the whole 1973 world wasn’t just a waste.

why I hate you all!!! LOL :) :)

***NOTE: In case you haven't figured it out by now, this post was an April Fool's Day joke. But we'll leave it up for posterity, and above is a screen cap of the ludicrous site makeover.***

To me, the term “customers” is synonymous with the term “idiots.” My theory is that every customer is a moron. This kind of flies in the face of the old marketing theory, “the customer is always right”, but I think mine is closer to the truth. (Or, perhaps, the old market theorists were just trying to think of a nice way of saying that customers don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about, even when they think they do, which is pretty much the same thing I believe.)

Now, don’t get me wrong. I don’t mean to say that every individual customer is an idiot. There are plenty of perfectly reasonable, intelligent, even kind customers. The problem is the vast mass of assholes who flock to my store tend to distract me from the few genuinely delightful individuals I do encounter. It makes me loathe you people en masse to the point where if I don’t want to scream out loud and start gunning down people in the store I have to gnaw into my own arm, exposing the bone, and begging my manager to take a break so I can go to the hospital and escape you insufferable animals! You make me want to die! You make my life so hellish that I just want to slam my head repeatedly in the automated till so that I can slip into the peace of unconsciousness. That or go out back and have a cigarette.

Anyway, this is not going to be a long, unsubstantiated rant. I’m going to tell you exactly what it is I hate about you, and I’ve had to endure all the ranting about how your stupid clerk fucked up your order, so you’re going to endure this.

First of all, you are not smarter than me. You are a fat moron who shops at a convenience store for Slim Jims and cigarettes. I can, in fact, count. In fact, to judge from the number of people who hold out a fist full of change and ask me to count out how much they need, I can count a lot better than most of you. And even if I couldn’t, I have a computer right in front of me that can do the job for me.

Second, do not give me any Sacajawea dollars, half-dollars, two dollar bills, ha’pennys, or Susan B. Anthony dollars. If you have currency that fancy, take it home and put it in your fucking coin collection, not my till, which I have to count. Fuck the Treasury’s commercials, you don’t owe it to them to use their stupid new coins.

While on the subject of coins and stupidity, do not, I repeat, DO NOT try to pay for anything using change which amounts to more than a dollar. That is what bills are printed for. I do not need thirty dimes. Nor, for that matter, should you ever ask me, “Do you need some dimes” as a prelude to such a transaction. If I needed coins I would take them out of the safe, not from some asshole customer.

Although I am not impressed by your handful of change, I am equally unimpressed by your $50 and $100 bills. I have to make change for them. And you NEVER EVER buy $50 or even $43 worth of stuff. No, you buy a cup of coffee and a Tastykake, and you try to pay me for it with a fucking $100 bill. It’s bad enough when you people pay me for the $0.25 pack of gum with a $20 bill. The last thing I need is to give you $84.77 in change. The worst of all is when I can SEE the smaller bills in that big wad of cash you pull out to impress me. But no, you bypass both of the dollar bills on your $1.43 charge and give me a fucking $20, as if to say, “Look here, clerky boy, here’s a denomination so large that you shall never see it in your life unless I give it to you. Ha ha ha ha ha!”

Next, you do not deserve my respect because you fancy yourself some kind of aristocrat. The fact that you do not see anyone else here wearing a fur shawl should tip you off that aristocrats do not belong in convenience stores. Convenience stores were built for rugged working class men looking for a bite to eat before they go home and try to get some sleep before their next day of backbreaking labor building your fucking houses. This is why you have country clubs with valet parking. Go there. Leave me alone.

Speaking of overly fancy bullshit, you do not need Marlboro Ultra Light Menthol Smooth 100’s in a soft pack. Be happy with sucking on regular Marlboros, or, to eliminate that problem altogether, just suck my dick.

Do not ask me where the Winery is. I do not care where you are going, nor whether you get there. I have neither the time nor the inclination to tell you. I just sell things. That is my job. It is AAA’s job to give morons like you directions. If you really want to employ me for the reason I am paid, buy a fucking map. I’d be happy to ring up your $50 bill for it.

By the way, don’t put your fucking money on the counter. Put it in my hand, which I am conveniently holding out to you for just that purpose. Do I drop your change on the counter and make you pick it up, penny by penny? No! So what makes you think I feel like doing it?

Do not wait until I have the drawer open to get something else. I don’t want to ring you up twice, asshole. There are enough people waiting in line that I don’t feel like checking you out two times. Why don’t you include your cigarettes and your gum and your inane impulse purchase of candy shaped like a paintbrush as a part of your order? I can’t just magically add it on after you’ve paid me! And if you know you’re getting something else, DON’T fucking pay me, tell me to wait several seconds while you fetch it. I’d be happy to stand there, looking in awe at the big wad of bills you’re holding in your hand, an amount of money which I, no doubt, will never possess.

Do not call me on the telephone with stupid questions, distracting me from customers who had the grapes to actually come here in person. Do I have any more Inquirers? Why don’t you come down here and fucking find out, you pompous putz? You think I have time to check every item in stock for you? What time are we open until? We’re open until I see your shit-stained face coming up the steps, then I’m going to lock up the whole store and turn out the lights and play hide and seek with my manager! No, I apologize, that’s unfair. If you really want to know what time we’re open until, just come down here, I’ll get up on the counter, and, from eye level, you can begin sucking my gigantic Polish dick until I have a hard-on big enough to act as a sort of a crude sun dial on the counter, then I’ll drop some of your change on the counter to point out which hour we’re open until.

I have no control over the quality of the items YOU purchase. I did not date the milk. I did not punch a minute hole into the bottom of your iced tea causing it to leak into your hand. YOU are the one who chose this faulty merchandise, so do not complain to me about it later, or, indeed, ever.

I am legally old enough to purchase tobacco in this state. I can tell if you are younger than me. I will not take your word for it that you are eighteen. As for forms of ID which I do NOT accept, they include but are not limited to your NRA membership card, some form of ID from Spain written (not unsurprisingly) in Spanish, and, of course, a driver’s license with your date of birth cleverly hidden by a thumb or flap of your wallet.

Turn off your fucking cell phone and talk to me. I know I’m only a lowly clerk, but I’ve seen people greet dogs in the park. What I enjoy even more than you ignoring me on account of your cell phone, is your ignoring me for no reason whatsoever. I do so adore speaking to you amiably and eliciting no response save dropping thirty dimes on the counter.

Do not have your child pay for you. It is not cute.

My opinion should have no bearing on what you purchase. Do not ask me about the qualities of various items. I do not know how the beef jerky tastes. I do not eat shit. You, however, can eat my shit. And, failing that, you can get down on your knees and suck on my dick until I spooge, then tell me how THAT tastes.

Condoms are in front of the counter. Batteries are behind the counter. Gums and mints are to my left. The candy is (ironically) in the candy aisle. I suppose you could have discovered some of this for yourself, but, then again, I suppose that would have required some effort on your part. No, we do no sell English muffins. If there are no newspapers, then we are out of newspapers. I am not hiding them cunningly in the back room where, hopefully, no one will ever buy them, and I will have my own secret cache of useless outdated papers in case they come in handy. Nor did I save one specifically for you, the wonder customer.