Dear Joe Paterno’s Legacy,
Hey, buddy. How you doing? Rough day, huh? Rough eight months, more like, am I right? I mean, must be tough. Some folks have a tough fourteen years, but that can’t be anything as bad as what you went through yesterday, Legacy.
Listen: we’re all still behind you 110%. (That’s a football thing, right? 110%?) If we were behind you any more, well, I’ll just let you use your imagination. Trust me on this one. And if you don’t trust me on this one, just turn on the TV. Any channel. Nobody’s mentioning any of those bastard kids who ruined you. All they’re talking about is you, Legacy.
…Is talking about nothing but you. It’s about priorities, see. See, everyone knows that what’s really important here is you. I’m surprised they haven’t already rounded up a lynch mob in Happy Valley to take out those kids who done you wrong. God knows they were quick enough to riot and topple over news vans and shit when you were tarnished by the firing.
But this isn’t just a firing, this is…boy, how to even describe it? It must feel a lot like getting fucked in the ass. I mean, that’s what they did to you, really, they fucked you in the ass. I mean, 46 years of winning at football and only 14 of those were also abetting the worst crime known to man? I mean, that’s only, what, 30%? You can’t judge a person on 30% of their career. Hell, I probably spend 30% of my career not covering up for pedophiles, and it’s not like anyone’s calling me a big saint or anything.
Ooh, sorry. I forgot the “saint” thing might be a bit of a touchy subject for you right now, Legacy. It’s not so bad, though. Maybe they could just paint over the halo on the mural. Looks like you’ll be losing that whole “St. Joe” thing, but, hey, boys will be boys, right? Er…sorry, didn’t mean to mention “boys” just now.
I wouldn’t worry about the statue going away, either. That’s like the embodiment of you! When I’m not writing open letters to you, and I want to see Joe Paterno’s Legacy embodied, I go to the statue in front of Beaver Stadium. And in the summers, when the statue’s face is covered with hot white birdshit, that’s when it reminds me most of you and your friendship with Jerry Sandusky for some reason.
But, no, I wouldn’t worry about the statue going away. I mean, there’s still a statue of Saddam in Tikrit. There’s even a Stalin Museum in Gori! That’s what Happy Valley will become: a weird, backwards place where somebody who’s a villain to the rest of the world will still be revered. That’s what you have to look forward to, Legacy. That’s your future.