SPOILER ALERT!!!

No. Seriously. Consider this whole post SPOILER ALERTED!!! Because I will be talking about spoilers as a subject.

And basically I just give up. I don't even get it any more. Don't get me wrong. I'm 100% anti-spoiler. I was pissed the day after the Breaking Bad finale when everyone was posting Walt's (SPOILER ALERT!!!) obituary on FB. Becuase I was at least a few weeks behind.

Here's the thing though: in that case I knew that I was the one at fault. I mean, there is a certain expectation that people won't be dicks, that's true. Everyone knows if you say "EHRMAGERD last night's Hannibal!" the comments are going to be about it, but nobody like the guy that says, (SPOILER ALERT!!!) "Holy shit, Henry Blake's plane went down over the Sea of Japan!?!?!?!" There's a tacit understanding about that. But I also KNEW that if I logged onto FB after a television event it WOULD be ruined.

Sort of like people who tape big sports games (I guess some people still do that and yes, I know, I really should say "DVR" but fuck you) and then get all uppity when you tell them that (SPOILER ALERT!!!) the Seahawks won the World Series or whatever. Like, sure, maybe I can actively avoid discussing it in front of you if you tell me to my face, but surely after an event like the Ford Fiesta Bowl or the Baseball Cup or whatever you have to expect spoilers to be all around.

What I REALLY want to talk about though, however briefly, is Game of Thrones. Not to be a douchebag, but I read all the books. And I think I maintain my "not a douchebag" cred because I didn't read any of the books until after I was introduced to the first few episodes of the show. So you at least know I'm not one of those, "Sniffle, I've known all of this since the '90s" douchebags.

But, anyway, yes, I've read the books. So here's the thing about Game of Thrones. Unlike The Walking Dead where (SPOILER ALERT!!!) knowledge of the comics can enhance but cannot possibly replace knowledge of the show (since the show and the comics follow different paths) knowledge of A SONG OF ICE AND FIRE (okay, I guess I did get a little bit douchey there) absolutely can replace knowledge of Game of Thrones.

We are, as far as I can tell, in a unique situation in these United States of ours where anyone, literally anyone, can read essentially next season's scripts of one of the most popular shows on television. Could you imagine if I could read next season's Mad Men scripts, or even next weeks? Everyone would flip shit, not least of which Matthew Weiner!

I mean, most movies are based on books, but once that bullet's shot it's shot. There's only so long that I can protest not having seen "Ender's Game" or whatever. A few weeks, let's say. Then it's kind of like, "Why haven't you seen the movie yet, then, asshole, if you're such a big fan?" It's really not the same situation.

This is a unique and frankly weird situation where I literally know a few years ahead of time what you're gasping about today. I knew in 2011 that (SPOILER ALERT!!!) Ned Stark was gon' get his headz chopt off. And I knew (SPOILER ALERT!!!) that Robb Stark and all his dudez was gon' die. And that (SPOILER ALERT!!!) Joffrey was gonna choke on some fucking wine. I'll tell you what: I even know what's going to happen to Tyrion next week as the fallout from that!

Here's me, just generally attempting not to be a dick and saying, "Okay, well, I read the books, but I feel no special need to ruin everybody's TV viewing experience." Because I know what it's like to have a TV experience ruined. (See the Breaking Bad story above.) But at what point does this all simply become crazy?

You know me, even though I'm a writer, I'm not really a book snob, but I'll admit it, a lot of what this boils down to for me is that I don't understand why, for a certain percentage of the population, they are proudly illiterate. There are people out there who are like, "I can't wait to find out what happens next season on GoT!" that simply make me scratch my head. I want to be like, "Look, you can walk down to the library right now and find out..." But some people are PROUD not to do so. Which I don't get. I mean, I sort of get the "Nah, no time, TV's okay," crowd but I almost get a sense that some people DELIBERATELY don't want to read just this particular series of books.

Which bring me back around to why this is such a unique situation. There are people for whom this week's (SPOILET ALERT!!!) SHOCKING Purple Wedding are old hat. And there are people still reeling from it. And there are people who haven't even caught up yet, because Jesus Christ HBO is like $150 a month. Last week I waded somewhat jokingly into the fray on Facebook because I thought all the Red Wedding stuff, now being a year old and theoretically old hat for BOTH PARTIES would be fair game to make fun of. And you know what happened?

You can probably guess. Somebody yelled at me "How about a SPOILER ALERT, asshole!!!"

I give up. What a brave new world we live in.