"Q" is for "Quit It"

Let's just admit it: authors are annoying.  Hell, I'm probably annoying you right now.  (It's like I'm psychic or something, right?)

Which is not to say authors are not also sometimes criminally malfeasant.  That also happens, as I outlined here at some length.  But I don't want to get into the truly dark and tragic side of this industry with this post (and trust, me, there is some dark, dark shit out there.)  This is just some shit that authors need to knock the fuck off.

Posting Excerpts from their Work-In-Progress

Seriously, who is this for?  Listen, this is coming from a person who has felt the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, and the creamy middles of manuscript composition: nobody cares.  I get it, I get it, you found the mot juste, you just crafted a paragraph that would make Hemingway and Faulkner silently weep in envy.  But outside of the context of the other 100,000-odd words of that novel you're putting together, your perfect little jewel of an excerpt is about as interesting as a two second clip from "The Godfather."  If your middle initials aren't "R.R." and people aren't waiting on pins and needles for your long-overdue sequel, this is just masturbation.

Equivalent annoying real person behavior:  Posting a photo of your breakfast on Instagram.

Defending the Importance of Grammar Rules

Here's another one that's coming from a place of love.  Look, I'm a journeyman at this craft, too.  I have strong opinions about the Oxford comma, double-spacing sentences, and the proper time to use a semicolon*.  I've even engaged in debates over the same, both on this blog and in (check out this adjective here, it's gonna be a good one) appropriate venues.  But that meme you posted about how the world is absolutely going to hell because someone used a grocers' apostrophe once?  Yeah, nobody cares.  You know what the people who saw that sign advertising "cantaloupe's" did?  They managed to get through their day, exactly as cantaloupe-free or cantaloupe-filled as they desired.  Lives have very rarely been lost due to grammatical errors (the Battle of Balaclava being a notable exception) and communication will continue in spite of your grave misgiving about textspeak.

Equivalent annoying real person behavior:  That insurance salesman at a party who just can't stop talking about how fascinating insurance regulations are.

*never; well, mostly never

Posting Listicles on Their Blogs

It's like, yeah, we get it, you read Cracked once.  Golf clap for you, trailblazer.

Equivalent annoying real person behavior:  Pretending you saw a movie you only really read stuff online about.