I think it's fair to say at this point in my life, with all the conventions and signings I've attended, that I've met a pretty good number of celebrities, particularly literary celebrities. There are precisely three of those who left me starstruck. The good news for you is that I'm now going to break down, in exquisite detail, precisely how I approached each of those estimable gentlemen.
1.) Brian Keene - I walked up to Brian and said, "Hello, Mr. Keene, my name is Steve and I'm a big fan of your work, particularly THE RISING. You've been a big influence on me, particularly my first novel, and if you're interested, I'd like to give you a copy."
2.) Jonathan Maberry - I walked up to Jonathan and said, "Hello, Mr. Maberry, my name is Steve and I'm a big fan of your work, particularly ROT AND RUIN. You've been a big influence on me, particularly my first novel, and if you're interested, I'd like to give you a copy."
3.) Kevin J. Anderson - I tweeted Kevin and said, "Hello, Mr. Anderson, my name is Steve and I'm a big fan of your work, particularly of DARKSABER. You've been a big influence on me, particularly my first novel, and if you're interested, I'd like to send you a copy."
I know, there's a lot of wheeling and dealing to get through in each of those stories, but I think the point is clear: toadying, ass-kissing, and just general starfucking is the best way to approach any celebrity you're interested in meeting.
Even better, of course, is if you can avoid approaching the celebrity directly altogether. See if you can find out who the celebrity's friends are, or, even better, their spouse or significant other. Rather than approach the celebrity directly, mollycoddle up to their friends and loved ones. Laugh loudly at their jokes. Tell them they're clever. Then, when the time seems right, strike by asking for an invitation to contact the celebrity.
Celebrities treat such invitations as golden tickets, and their spouses and friends are inevitably flattered and surprised by your knowledge that they know the celebrity. Once the friend has granted you an audience, you are now in a special position to get favors out of the celebrity. You can effectively ask the celebrity if they can rub some of their fame off on you. Celebrities don't mind this, are absolutely capable of it, and are always flattered to hear the request.
The actual process of the celebrity rubbing some of his or her fame off on you is a little bit more complicated, so you may want to do things like follow the celebrity around at conventions, especially back to their room if you can. Celebrities love having fans follow them up to their rooms. It shows a level of dedication that regular fans (or "normies" as they're known in the parlance) simply don't aspire to. If you're not able to just follow the celebrity back to their room, try talking to them while they're in the bathroom, particularly if they're in the stall. Think of them as a captive audience at this point. If they didn't want to talk to you, why would they be in the stall with you outside in the first place? Such stall talk will inevitably lead to that much desired invitation back to the celebrity's room.
Once in the celebrity's room, you will be allowed to have sex with them, which is, of course, what both you and the celebrity have always wanted. Celebrities love having sex with strangers, otherwise they wouldn't have gotten into this business. While smoking cigarettes during pillow talk, you'll be able to regale the celebrity with your own clever insights, which will naturally cause them to find you irresistibly attractive, and will result in both another round of lovemaking and the beginning of a lifelong friendship. Most importantly of all, though, the celebrity will now be relaxed enough to unclench their cloaca and spray you with their celebrity juice. A warm spritz of celebrity juice will make you more famous, just like the celebrity you admire.
Above all, though, remember never to approach celebrities with honesty, earnestness, and genuine feelings. Certainly do not treat their friends and family members like they are independent entities who you can interact with just like any other human being. They hate that shit.
"Manuscripts don't burn"
- Mikhail Bulgakov
Hi, I'm horror and science fiction author Steve Kozeniewski (pronounced: "causin' ooze key.") Welcome to my blog! You can also find me on Facebook, Twitter, Goodreads, and Amazon. You can e-mail me here, join my mailing list here, or request an e-autograph here. Free on this site you can listen to me recite one of my own short works, "The Thing Under the Bed."
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