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MANUSCRIPTS BURN

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Hi, I'm horror and science fiction author Steve Kozeniewski (pronounced: "causin' ooze key.") Welcome to my blog! You can also find me on Facebook, Twitter, Goodreads, and Amazon. You can e-mail me here, join my mailing list here, or request an e-autograph here. Free on this site you can listen to me recite one of my own short works, "The Thing Under the Bed."

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Why I Hate Bangs

Dear society,

This is Moe Howard:


Moe is a seminal pioneer of comedy, still a household name some eighty years after the height of his popularity for multiple reasons.  For one thing, the Three Stooges are still humorous today, albeit a bit dated, and that's something we don't often say about comedy that's even ten, fifteen, twenty years old.  For another thing, while their humor is seemingly mindless, in fact the Stooges were extremely witty satirists, often shining a light on poverty during the Depression when such things weren't really done.  Moe himself, in fact, was the first person to impersonate Hitler on film, which was certainly something of a taboo at the time.

Finally, Moe is still famous today for his haircut.  This haircut was, and, I can't stress this enough, worn for comedic purposes.  Because Moe was a comedic genius, he understood the value of a good physical gag, and combed all of his hair forward and cut it like a bowl.  Hilarious.  And yet we here, some eighty years later, have somehow forgotten that this was meant to be a joke.

So, let me be clear: women who wear this haircut look as ridiculous as Moe.  And I'm not just talking about your average woman on the street, as in, "Oh, she would look a bit better if she cut her bangs."  No.  I'm talking about supermodel gorgeous stars, who, perhaps being lied to by their stylists as they chuckle behind their backs, opt to look like this.  Let's take an example.  Here's Kim Kardashian:


Love her or hate her, find her vapid or find her not-quite-so-vapid, it's hard to deny that this is an attractive woman.  In fact, even her most rabid opponents are fond of saying, "She's only famous because she's pretty!"  Now, here's Kim Kardashian after someone accidentally took a weed-whacker to her hair:



Congratulations, bangs.  You just made Kim Kardashian ugly, and physical beauty was pretty much her only asset.  Let's take another example of a less famous person.  Some of you may watch G4.  Here is a picture of the host of X-Play, Morgan Webb, prior to 2009:


Here's Morgan after 2009, when she inexplicable decided that she wanted to look like one of The Three Stooges:



Here's star of The OC, Jumper, and Hart of Dixie, Rachel Bilson, sans ridiculous locks:


You'll notice that someone at some point said, "Say, that girl is pretty enough to be on the cover of Cosmopolitan, a magazine devoted solely to sex!"  Now, here's that same person after placing a helmet on her head and saying, "Just cut around it:"



So, by this point, some of you might be saying, "Ah, you're just taking the best pictures without bangs, and then comparing them to the worst pictures with bangs.  I'm on to your game, you bastard."  Well, I could have done without the "bastard," but, fine, I'll play your game, you rogue.  Let's take Lea Michele, star of increasingly outlandish and nonsensical television show "Glee," as an example.  Here's a "candid" picture of Lea Michele on the red carpet, where the picture you take is the picture you get, and airbrushing isn't even an option:


In THIS picture she looks good.  Now here's a publicity still from the second season of "Glee."  They had professional photographers, they had all the time in the world, they had wardrobe, makeup, all kinds of cosmeticians on hand, and even if all that didn't work, they could still touch up the photo later if they felt like.  The only difference is that in this one, somebody felt that the best thing to do would be comb all the hair over her face and then cut it, possibly with masking tape and children's scissors:



This is why I hate bangs.  This, right here.  Perfectly attractive human beings who I would otherwise have no cause to kick out of my bed, are made into wailing lunatics who look like they should be slapping a fat bald man.  It's boner poison.  BONER POISON!  Now, if you're still not convinced, if you've made it this far into this post and you're one of those people who say, "Oh, I don't know, I don't mind bangs so much" then I have one last piece of evidence for you. 




Yes.  Congratulations, bangs.  You've even made Taylor Swift ugly.  Q.E.D.

Sincerely,

Redleg

P.S.  BONER POISON!!!

6 comments:

  1. I've always suspected you didn't like to bang the ladies.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Every single one of those women looked better with bangs.

    ReplyDelete
  3. girl that looks gorgeous with bangsJanuary 7, 2016 at 3:38 PM

    I have an enormous giant forehead that you could fry several eggs on. I look ridiculous without bangs, like a painting of fucking queen mary stuart. With bangs however, I look like a gorgeous bettie page. They are girls who rock bangs. They are not for everyone. Do you seriously think Audrey Hepburn or Bettie Page would better without bangs? Nuh-uh.

    But I already knew you were a clueless potato when you said Don't you know, that you can't cut off bangs...? Bangs are literally front hair, that is shorter than the rest of your hair. You have to grow them out and that takes alot of time and during that growing-out period, you will look extremely ridiculous.

    ReplyDelete

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