Hi, I'm horror and science fiction author Steve Kozeniewski (pronounced: "causin' ooze key.") Welcome to my blog! You can also find me on Facebook, Twitter, Goodreads, and Amazon. You can e-mail me here, join my mailing list here, or request an e-autograph here. Free on this site you can listen to me recite one of my own short works, "The Thing Under the Bed."
***Congratulations on passing the million hit mark, Burnketeers! This is your victory far more than mine. In honor of this momentous occasion, I went to some trouble to contact a certain Ms. Stephanie Meyer Ms. E.L. James so
she could help me with this blog post. To quote Ms. MeyerMs. James , "Sure, Redleg, I'll
help you out with your blog. You're so handsome and smart and much more talented
than me." Ms. Meyer Ms. James was nice enough to send me a rather lengthy excerpt from the
upcoming Twilight: Morning Wood Fifty Shades of Copyright Grey Area . It actually goes on. For a while. Like
this. So I cut it for brevity's sake. Enjoy.***
"Oh, Edward Christian," Bella
Ana said lustingly, "I want you in me so badly. I mean your love. In my love. And
yet we never can be."
"True," Edward Christian replied, ripping his shirt open to
reveal his sparkling, manly areola, "How ironic."
"Ironic, indeed," Bella
Ana replied, referring to her own situation, "And yet, in a way, your 106 year old
love for me bondage fetish constitutes statutory rape in any civilized
"Civilization," Taylor Lautner Jose said with a snarl, "Who needs
"Indeed," Edward Christian agreed with his rival-cum-wolf rival-cum-photographer and his fleshy
lover, "What irony."
"I don't need civilization," Taylor Lautner
Jose continued, rubbing creamy brown muscle oil onto his well-oiled musculature, "All
I need is the wind at my back, some Pacific Northwest Pacific Northwest scenery, and a 16 22-year old
child to kidnap and attempt what amounts to bestiality regular human sex with. I mean, love. Pure,
"I, too, was referring to love," Edward Christian was quick to pipe
in, as he stared endlessly at Bella's Ana's perfect neck, because he loved her, and
not because of any desire to actually do anything about the aforementioned
"Love," mentioned Bella Ana.
There was nodding all
It was a dark and stormy night when Taylor Lautner
Jose took his shirt off. His shirt had been off since he had been in wolf photographer form right
up until the very moment when he turned back into a human with just his tight
jeans and shirtless. And then, since it was raining out, he was also glistening
with rain. And also sweat. Because he sweated through the rain because of his
fur Latino heritage.
"Bella Ana," Taylor Lautner Jose said, "I need you to rub me down with this
anti-vampire anti-bondage fetishist lotion. I need it to, uh, ward off vampires bondage fetishists." Bella Ana turned
to look at Edward Christian for guidance. (Edward Christian, incidentally, was also shirtless, and
applying his anti-werewolf anti-photographer lotion.)
"I'm so tormented," Edward Christian said,
"Dark and tormented. But I will always do what is best for you, Bella Ana, because
of my insatiable (yet chaste) lust for you. Do it, if you must. Taylor Lautner
Jose must have his anti-vampire anti-bondage fetishist lotion rubbed all over his manly, steaming
And so Bella Ana began to rub down Taylor Lautner Jose with the glistening
body oil, in full view of her actual boyfriend male dominatrix, which was kind of creepy and
voyeuristic when you think about it, which they didn't.