A Wife Beater's Guide to the Apocalypse

Hey, everybody!  So I just finished reading THE NIGHT LAND by William Hope Hodgson.  Now, I recently read THE HOUSE ON THE BORDERLAND, and that was a little old-fashioned, but overall pretty tight.  So I was pretty excited to read Hodgson's magnum opus.  Early twentieth century apocalyptic fiction from the man who Lovecraft looked up to?  Got to be pretty good, right?  Well, let me see if I can recreate the experience for you and you can decide for yourself.

THE NIGHT LAND: A WIFE BEATER'S GUIDE TO THE APOCALYPSE

by William Hope Hodgson as understood by Stephen Kozeniewski

And, lo, did it did be that I was in the 18th century briefly for a framing story, but, verily, that framing story was abandoned quickly and never revisited.

And, lo, did it did be, that in the far flung future of some supernal age that there did rise from the ground a great pyramid.  And it did be that the pyramid did be full of millions upon millions of people, and these did be the last of the people.

And, lo, did it did be, verily, that, truth be told, and in sooth, that it did be that there was no sun and that the land did be populated by monsters.  Verily, though, did it be that those monsters were all quite dull, and fighting them did always consist of the exact same thing, which did be that I did have a hand weapon, and it did be with this hand weapon that verily I did slay many a monster, which might a humpback or a giant slug, but never of any particular interest or apparent danger.

And, lo, did it did be that there was another, lesser pyramid, which often did be referred to as "the lesser pyramid."  And upon that pyramid did dwell my love, who I sort of knew the 18th century, but I guess it did be that we did be reincarnated or some such, but it also did be that it did be that it did not bare a terrible great amount of relevance upon the plot.

And, lo, did it did be that I left the pyramid, and though, verily, the term "Mary Sue," though, lo, it did not be invented yet, yet still, all the millions of the greater pyramid did be totally stoked on me and admired me just for my pure ballsiness in leaving yon Great Redoubt.

And, lo, did it did be that after monotonously fighting many monsters, whether they be humpbacks or slugs, all inspiring the exact same amount of total lack of what did be dread in me, I did come upon my fair maid, who, lo, though she yet did have a name, I constantly did call "a maid" or "mine own."

And, lo, did it did be that mine own and I did quaff of powdered water and precisely two food pills.  Then, it being the eighth hour, we did quaff upon another quaff of powdered water, and then this time it did be one and one halves food pills.  And, lo, it being now seven days hence and upon the sixteenth hour, did we now quaff upon powdered water and three each of food pills. 

And, lo, did it did be that mine own maid did have the gall to speak to me while looking in mine eyes.  And thus did I did cut a great switch from a tree and thus did I verily beat the ever-living shit out of her, but also did I feel bad, for I do be the hero of this story, and all the many millions of the great pyramid are super stoked on me and do be totally watching me from afar and do be rooting for me heartily.

And, lo, did it did be that it, being the eighteenth hour, we did quaff upon powdered water and precisely three pills apiece this time.  And now I shall abridge the rest of the pill-eating and water quaffing, for brevity's sake.  Oh, but also at the third hour did we quaff upon powdered water and then exactly one pill, the Night Land being terrible hard to live in and populated with dull, dull monsters.

And, lo, did it did be that just as we were sliding into home plate, did she did die, and thus, could I no longer beat her with switches, and no longer could feel sort of bad about, but also insist that beating maids with switches is really the only way to communicate with such creatures.  (It seems a shame almost, that I did never bother to try to beat any of the slugs or humpbacked men with switches, being as it do be the best way to communicate with such alien minds.)

And, lo, did it did be that she was alive again, for no reason.  And thus did everyone in the Great Pyramid totally cheer and build of me a statue, and just generally be unreasonably stoked on me.  (Please see Appendix A for a complete chart of pill-eating and powdered water quaffing rates.)

FIN