With a potential strike looming, I think all eyes are right now on one of the proudest and most put-upon unions in the country: the NFL Player's Union. With belt-tightening going on all over the country, I'd like to offer these helpful tips to help those poor, hapless players get through the next few months in case negotiations fall through.
10. Consider replacing the beluga caviar wading pool with a less expensive sturgeon caviar wading pool. Don't skimp on the toast points, and your thousands of guests will scarcely notice the difference.
9. Next time you have your chandelier detailed, hire an illegal immigrant to do the work. You won't have to pay taxes, minimum wage, benefits, or insurance. And if he gets hurt on the job, there's always the Emergency Room, and that's free!
8. Do you really need two matching Hummers, one cherry and one avocado? Oh, all right, I'll give you this one, go ahead and get the two Hummers.
7. Instead of wasting your time (and hard earned cash!) wining and dining potential bed partners, simply look for the members of the feminine persuasion with the letters "DTF" written on their chest. This indicates that they're open to sleeping with you, possibly for free!
6. Limit your entourage. There's no need to have 8-12 agents, publicists, marketing coordinators, and hangers-on. 6-7 should be more than sufficient, especially if you ask them to multi-task.
5. Remember, if worse comes to worst, you can always un-retire. Again and again and again and again and again.
4. With the rising price of jet fuel, you can always cut corners by renting out your private plane for sweet 16 parties and the like.
3. Consider limiting your dogfighting arena to more affordable breeds, like border collies and labradors. Also, when making a determination which dogs should be drowned, consider drowning the mutts BEFORE the purebreds.
2. Invest in gold. Gold's value has never been higher, and it has never been worth zero.
1. If it really comes down to dire straits, you could always sell your autograph to the young fans who cherish and believe in you. Oh, my mistake, you're already doing that. Good job, fiscal pro!
"Manuscripts don't burn"
- Mikhail Bulgakov
Hi, I'm horror and science fiction author Steve Kozeniewski (pronounced: "causin' ooze key.") Welcome to my blog! You can also find me on Facebook, Twitter, Goodreads, and Amazon. You can e-mail me here, join my mailing list here, or request an e-autograph here. Free on this site you can listen to me recite one of my own short works, "The Thing Under the Bed."
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