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Hi, I'm horror and science fiction author Steve Kozeniewski (pronounced: "causin' ooze key.") Welcome to my blog! You can also find me on Facebook, Twitter, Goodreads, and Amazon. You can e-mail me here, join my mailing list here, or request an e-autograph here. Free on this site you can listen to me recite one of my own short works, "The Thing Under the Bed."

Friday, May 8, 2009

Lawton Traffic Rules

***Honestly, this will be funnier if you've ever been to Lawton, but if you haven't, and you're wondering, no I haven't exaggerated even in the slightest. Anyone who's ever been there can feel free to back me up on this in the comments section.***


1. Although the use of turn signals is optional in Lawton, those of our residents who have opted to purchase a turn signal capable vehicle are only authorized to activate their turn signals when their turn is already 50% complete.

2. In the case of inclement weather, ignore all rules of the road.

3. Consider the posted speed limit a theoretical maximum in the case of a rodeo or Montgomery Gentry concert. Under normal circumstances, always drive at least 5 miles under the speed limit, preferably 10.

4. Don’t forget about the rights of pedestrians. If pedestrians decide to walk in front of your car, let them. Marked crosswalks, much like turn signals, are merely suggestions.

5. There is no right turn on red in Lawton. Ever.

6. In order to make a turn, be sure to bring your car to a complete stop before turning.

7. Before you even get in your vehicle, make sure it meets Oklahoma safety standards. As long as the engine works, it doesn’t need to be covered by a hood. 100% of your car needs to be covered by paint, even it’s matte spraypaint from Wal-Mart. Don’t worry about the pesky emissions standards they have in other states, Oklahoma doesn’t roll that way.

8. When the light turns green, be sure to give it a good 10 to 20 seconds to get greener.

9. Make sure your stickers are current. By stickers, I mean your stickers of a Calvin-like figure urinating on the number of a NASCAR driver you dislike.

10. Trucks always have the right of way. In case of two trucks, the larger truck has the right of way. In case of two trucks which are the same size, the truck with larger gun rack has the right of way.

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